Nobody wants to go down

I'm feeling like I'm about to go down again. This summer hasn't been all that perfect. My mom is still very sick and doesn't seem to be getting better. My car broke down in April which makes me scared to drive. I'm starting to get tired of my job. Waiting on tables gets old after awhile. I hate the side effects of my medication. I'm just starting to realize how alone I've been all of high school. In middle school, I always wanted to have a group of friends. That never happened. I maintained two amazing relationships and a couple other ones that were very good but I have trouble realizing how good they are. I'm not sure if it's strange that I went to two shows all by myself.

Since the middle of April, I've been working four days a week, Tuesday, Thursday, Saturday and Sunday. When the summer started, my days changed to Thursday and Friday. What a coincidence that I signed up for UMass's orientation on a Thursday and Friday. I also had this Sunday off for some reason. When I don't have work, any shows to go to, or anything major to do, I spend my life in my room having Introverted fun. I research, play piano, discover new music, think about my life, etc. I "recharge". It's actually a waste of time. I prefer having stuff to do with a couple minutes each day to recharge. As much as I love money, this time is nice. I was getting tired of my job. Each day starts at 6:45 AM and ends around 2:30- 3 PM. I love the people I work with but I hate the music playing in the background. The radio plays in the dining room and the BeeGees play in the kitchen. The BeeGees are always playing in the kitchen and have been for about three years. On some Sundays we listen to Michael Jackson. I actually like Michael Jackson. I don't mind the BeeGees but it gets very annoying after awhile. I was getting very tired of that and also very tired of talking to customers. At first, this break of work was annoying me but I'm starting to like it. I'm realizing that talking to these people I can't stand are paying me. I want to work every weekend while I'm in school but it'll be a 2 hour commute. I'm also eligible for a work-study but my job pays more.

My lovely extended family

When my sister graduated three years ago, my uncle came to her graduation with my great aunt. They didn't even go to the gym where it was, they watched through the stream in the auditorium. They didn't even stay to see Ashley. My aunt and uncle stopped talking to us for no reason. One day, while I was taking Effexor, I called my uncle and screamed at him. I asked him why he left us. He didn't really say much and was dismissive. He called my mom right after saying he was "disturbed". I called the next day and screamed again. Although I was screaming and crying, I wasn't really insulting him. I was just trying to ask a question. It's hard for me to confrontational without being emotional. This second phone call, he started to get really rude. He even admitted to breaking off communication. He said I wasn't responsive to his reaching out to me, which is true. It was hard to me to connect with him. I'm scared of adult men. My mom's boyfriend hit me a few times.
One of my worst memories was when we lived with him. He asked my sister and I if we wanted to go to the beach. We both said no. Afterwards my sister screamed at me. She said "why aren't you going with him? Why are you just going to stay home?" So we went in the car when he was still in the house. He gets into the car and screams at me. "Why did you lie to me you little pussy? Don't you dare fucking lie to me." I had done nothing wrong. I was just trying to please him and my sister, yet I got screamed at me. Then he apologized saying, "I'm sorry, I know you're sensitive and I should be more careful." He was wrong though. Although I was sensitive, that wasn't the issue. It was the fact that both him and my sister had asked me to do something and I got "in trouble" even though I did nothing wrong.
After my uncle said this, he started to insult me. He said I was "deranged" just like my father. My father who left me and helped turned my family's life to shit. At this point, I was in a rage. I screamed "FUCK YOU" into the phone and threw it on the floor. My uncle is a fat piece of shit and I think nothing of him. I hate his guts. He did nothing to help my mother. He is a horrible parent that screams at his children every day. I would love to go to his house right now and demand my bank account that he has with me, even though it isn't his money. It was his mother's money. I know it isn't mine either, but I fucking deserve it.
After this phone call, my great aunt wrote a horrible letter to my mother blaming her for everything. She said we gave them the "kiss of death". What a fucking moron, what 79 year old talks like that. I called her on the phone and she basically blamed my mom for everything that happened. It's funny because my uncle admitted to breaking off communication, since I wasn't responsive to him. They are both assholes. How dare my great aunt talk to my mother like that. She also said she had been there for us. Bullshit. That cunt was never there for us. One day, my mother was extremely sick and she couldn't care less. Those fat pieces of shit can live their lives out miserably. How dare anyone treat a sick woman like that. How dare they cut off communication when we need help and then expect us to talk to them afterwards. They said communication needed to get better both ways. Fuck that. Admit what you do wrong don't be a little bitch and blame someone else. Well not little there are morbidly obese and have self-induced diabetes.
This is one reason being thin is a such a huge priority for me.

Music Taste Over The Years

The majority of my first memories are memories of music. My mother played this song called Return to Innocence by this band called Enigma. It has this repeating chant which sounds kind of silly but at the time, the voice just really struck me. It was probably because it was the first song I had ever heard. Growing up, I was exposed to some of my mother's music including: Bruce Springsteen, The Rolling Stones, Sheryl Crow, and Tom Petty.

When I was in 4th grade, my sister was in 7th grade. She got a lot of bands on Drive-Thru Records, such as Thursday, Senses Fail, The Movielife, New Found Glory, etc. I thought it was cool that all of these bands weren't as popular. She also liked Brand New and Taking Back Sunday. At this point in 4th grade I wasn't listening to the music on my own. Sometime between 4th and 5th grade, I went to a friends house for a sleepover. At sleepovers, I would always have a hard time falling asleep. At one particular sleepover, I brought a CD player and one of my sister's CDs, the compilation CD for Warped Tour 2003. The night after everyone went to sleep, I put it on. I don't remember if it was like a huge epiphany, or if my interest in music happened slowly. At this same time, I also played the Tony Hawk Underground videogames. The soundtrack from the games had some decent punk music. Since this was 2004-2005, and we had dial-up internet, downloading music wasn't impossible but not exactly convenient. I downloaded music on this program called WinMX. My sister and I would start downloading about 40 songs at night. We would leave the computer on all night and check the next morning to see which songs had finished downloading. Sometimes the internet would lose connection during the night and no songs would finish. With WinMX, you could only download song by song. You couldn't download a full album with one click. I would burn my downloaded music to CDs and listen to them on a walkman. Some of the bands included Thrice, and I actually can't think of the other bands. I didn't get heavily into one band During September 2005, WinMx shut down so I switched to Limewire.
As I used Limewire for the next four years, the internet was becoming faster and more reliable. My library got bigger and bigger. However, it was far from organized. I didn't have many full albums. For these four years, my taste was improving a bit, but not much. The first music I got into in my WinMX phase wasn't bad, but I didn't listen to enough music to have any "taste". This wasn't even the "first music" for me. I started to listen to pop punk. Horrible pop punk like Boys Like Girls, Cute Is What We Aim For and all of that bullshit. Like most "scene" kids, (I didn't actually dress scene) I got into metalcore/ screamo after awhile. Stuff like Silverstein, The Devil Wears Prada, August Burns Red, A Skylit Drive. I was in middle school at the time. The only good band I liked was Brand New, but I didn't even listen to The Devil and God, just Your Favorite Weapon and Deja Entendu. In 9th grade, I became friends with older people, giving me access to shows. One band that I've seen frequently throughout high school is Vanna, also one of my favorite bands. I also started using Mediafire, which let me get full albums. There was one group of bands I was getting into. It wasn't a solid group, but it was in my mind. It included Dance Gavin Dance, Emarosa, Tides of Man, Closure in Moscow, Lower Definition, etc. In 10th/11th grade I mellowed out a little bit and started listening to stuff like Modest Mouse, Fleet Foxes. I also It hurt to listen to the music I used to, since things were changing. There was a period were I listened to Radiohead and Nirvana; I wanted to feel normal for some reason.
My music taste this year is great for many reasons. The music I listen to is part of a new group of bands emerging. Also, it is the first "scene" that I have felt a part of. I go to almost all of the shows that come to my area. It is inspired me to be in a band myself. It's almost hard to listen to any music that is not a part of this group. This "group" includes La Dispute, Touche Amore, Defeater, Balance and Composure, The Wonder Years, etc. I am so grateful that they tour frequently at come to Massachusetts.

Graduation

Graduation was today. I didn't want to walk because I was never really in school. The past months I've been at Britney's. The people I feel closest too are the people that I see at all the shows that I go to but don't actually know. It'd be nice to know all of them. For some reason today, I'm extremely anxious. I think I'm upset at how horribly everything went. Looking back on these four years, all I can think of was my depression and anxiety. However, I've had so much improvement. I've gotten smarter, skinnier, happier, and more aware of things, particularly the fact that I have Asperger's. All of my improvements would not be possible without skipping school.
I just wonder what people are going to think when they see I didn't walk. Some of them completely forgot about me and will think nothing of it. Some will probably think I didn't graduate. In my head, I graduated after my last AP exam. I want to go back to visit my study teacher so I play Bruce Springsteen for her on the piano, but I don't feel that I can do it.
I'm pretty anxious at the moment. This morning, I was extremely irritable. My family and I had lunch but I  got so depressed during it, I started crying. Now I'm anxious but not sure if I can take a Neurontin, now that I'm on Lyrica.

Long Awaited Update

My last post was January 19th. My computer broke after this so I stopped blogging for awhile and then didn't feel like restarted. Actually, I didn't restart because I was writing in a different journal, in pen. I couldn't have a journal and a blog for some reason. I weigh 170 pounds now. Since my last show, I've been to a bunch of shows. In March I started skipping school on Tuesdays to work. A few weeks into doing so, someone got fired, and someone else got stuck with covering this person's hours on Wednesdays, Thursdays, and Fridays. It was too much so the person asked if I could work on one of those days permanently. I told her I'd ask my school if it was okay (even though I had just been skipping all along). When customers asked why I was there I just said I had senior privileges. The last day of high school was yesterday, which I actually worked during. I never got caught skipping. Also, I ended up taking 4 AP exams. Calculus BC, Statistics, Macroeconomics, and Microeconomics. People would probably be surprised if they saw that I was signed up for AP Calculus AB, AP Latin, CP English, and four studies. I didn't even take the AP Latin exam and AB is easier than BC. Skipping school and taking these exams was good for maintaining my sanity. I turned 18 since the last post, on January 26th. I've smoked everyday since. There was one week I didn't smoke because I had wisdom teeth surgery. This week I've made an effort to quit. It wasn't 100% but it was more than I've done in awhile. I bought a pack Sunday night and have one left, and its Wednesday night. Normally I would've ran out by Tuesday morning. My Seroquel was decreased from 150mg to 100mg. I take Lyrica now, 25mg every night. I've only been on it for about 3 weeks. It helps me be more social, but I've noticed I'm not singing as much in my car. Unfortunately, it adds to some of the sedative effects of the Seroquel. I'm much more tired in the morning, unless I only take 50mg of Seroquel, which I was doing a few times. I'd be much more awake but two days later my moods would be more up and down. I'd also feel more tired around the afternoon. According to my doctor, I have Asperger's Syndrome, Panic Disorder with Agoraphobia, and Major Depressive Disorder, Recurrent.

My mom had to go to the ER last night. She had diverticulosis. Since it has to do with bleeding, they had to draw blood twice. Since she has RSD, it's extremely difficult to draw blood. It can be less painful if a special IV nurse does it, but the first two times it was done by a regular nurse. The first time failed unfortunately so they drew blood three times. She screamed very loud. It was extremely painful. The most pain anyone can feel in fact. It was horrifying to watch. I haven't seen her in this much pain since she had Lyme's disease. I'm very concerned for when I leave for college. I almost feel like it's selfish of me. When I got home, I had three cigarettes and danced a lot. I didn't have any weed. I missed school today since I took the Seroquel very late. I'm going to miss school tomorrow because I have to bring my mom to physical therapy. I'm just glad that I communicated with my teachers. I don't feel like I'm being lazy. Things are getting better for her it's just scary to watch.

Rant About School

My high school semester ends in about two weeks. I'm behind in two of my four classes. Next semester, I'm signed up for this environmental science class. I only signed up because I panicked at the beginning of the year, since I didn't have a lot of classes on my schedule. I really don't think I'll take it though. I have no reason to. My plan is to study for some of the AP exams, since you don't need to take the class to take the exam. I'm getting tired of that school. My priority this next semester isn't to get back in school. I should be doing other things, like writing music, maybe writing a book, and other creative stuff. It's very sad that the high schools of America are wasting everyone's time. The material of a whole year can be learned in 2 months. I'm glad that I don't step down to that. Unfortunately, I don't do much with my free time, just sleep and play piano. There's really no opportunities for me. I'm so much smarter than most people. I learned more in a week this summer about economics than I have this whole semester. Senior year is like those roads next to a highway. It's not really structured. But I bet if high school ended junior year, kids would be stressed. It's nice to have a year of nothingness. I really should've just graduated high school early.

Freshman Year

It just hit me how long I've been in high school. I have this thing where I always think about where I was three years ago. I've been doing this for as long as I can remember. I actually have a journal from my freshman year, three years ago. In one of the entries, I wrote how I feel like I'm in a cold box that's big enough where I can move around and stay alive but that's about it. Looking back, it's amazing how I sound like Sylvia Plath. What really is amazing is that when I was writing in this journal, I was not trying to whine or complain. This is just how I was. Anyways, three years ago, I was in that band which I hated.  I was getting very tired of school. I started skipping. There were several projects that I didn't do and just took zero's. My teachers were starting to get pissed at me. I didn't care though. Almost exactly three years ago, my grandmother died and my mother was in the hospital. My mom has RSD, which is a chronic pain disorder. People with RSD have twice the amount of pain as people with cancer. These things really stuck with me all year. I never thought about them, they just left holes in my life. I was also unhappy with my life in general. Once I got my car and started Seroquel, I am much more independent. If I'm in an uncomfortable place, I just leave. Back then, I couldn't. I was also eating a LOT of carbs. I was 5'9" and 215 lbs. Now I'm 5'11" and 182. I was actually 190 on new years, and it's not just water weight. It ticks me off that I'm an endomorph. Some people I know eat horrible diets but are thinner then me. I actually have to work to lose weight. A typical ninth grade day would be I'd wake up. I'd say to myself, "normal people don't wake up this early." My breakfast would be carbs. At school for lunch I'd eat poptarts. Then I'd go home and my mom would ask how my day was and I'd get mad for no reason. I don't really know what I'd do after that. I'd get really depressed and have an empty feeling in my stomach. I'd go to starbucks a lot and wonder why I didn't sleep at night. It wasn't until junior year that I drank coffee in the morning rather than at night. I listened to bad music like A Day To Remember, The Devil Wears Prada. The typical "post-hardcore" bands. I still listen to August Burns Red because they are good. There was one band that I really got into though, Circa Survive. I got into them the night before high school started. I was also really into Vanna. The second time I saw Vanna was the best moment of my freshman year. It was because I was with friends that I felt liked me. Looking back though, this was foolish. I wonder if I was an S personality that year. My belief is that intuitive personalities can resort into their S personality that shares the same functions. As an INTP, this would mean I was an ISFJ. Being happy meant I needed to be liked. I was everything I resent. I didn't have full albums, I was cheesy, etc. I wanted to be my INTP self but for some reason I just couldn't. I'm different then most high schoolers. I am my own person. Work has been helpful. Being around older people makes me act more independent.

I just had a lot of coffee....

I have a friend last night that asked me to help her do a short film. I like the idea of collaboration on creative projects. However, I've had horrible experiences. The horrible experiences occured because I worked with untalented people. I am someone with very low motivation. The only thing that motivate me are money. However, a friend and I did a Thrice cover at a open-mic event. Performing our cover was very rewarding. In middle school, I was musically stimulated. In middle school, I played tuba in the school band, clarinet in chamber ensemble, and piano in jazz band. By 8th grade, my depression was starting to form. There was one week in the beginning of 8th grade where I was actually depressed. At the time I was religious, and someone in my church said that Satan can possess people for periods of time. I was under the impression that Satan was controlling me. I wasn't psychotic though; the church told me. It's really the church that was psychotic. It's sad that those assholes convince people to believe in all the contradictory bull shit. One of the church leaders shrugged his shoulders when I told him I was starting to feel because I was taking a medication. It's like they'd rather you suffer because they think you're hurting for a reason.
I need to be stimulated again. I have no motivation because all of the talentless stuff I've dealt with. One time I was in a band and all we did was play covers. During the time though, I was in school everyday, working both days every weekend, attending band practice. I was very very busy but even now I'm doing more. It takes less time but I'm doing more. When I'm not in school, I'm practicing piano. I've actually improved because of it. I have no reason to go to school. Over the summer, I bought an AP Economics book and read it for a week. In that weed, I learned more about economics then I did this whole semester in my stupid economics honors class. I'm in college prep english, so my GPA is better because I can do economics yet its lowered because of my english, which is more challenging the economics. Not really this year though, because I do nothing for school. I'm in an individual english class because of my IEP and the teacher is extremely lax and unorganized. Then I have AP Latin which I don't go to. The teacher is lax and isn't confrontational and told me I don't even have to go to class. They don't even do anything in class. It's 2nd period so there's no reason for me to force myself out of bed.
Before this year started, I was going to take 4 classes (the mininum is 5) and work more. The school allowed it, but I work the same amount. I make more than everyone else in my grade because I'm a waitor. I make more in one shift then they do in a fucking week. I was planning to go back to classes before but I don't care anymore, I have no reason to go. I'm smart can figure this shit out myself. It'd be nice if there were some discussions to take part in but there aren't. I turn 18 later this month so I'll be able to get another job as a waitor where I can serve alcohol. People are ignorant though. They think that working dinner makes you more money then breakfast. They're actually the same pay overall. At breakfast, you have more tables since people don't sit as long. I like to work.
Ideally though, I want to start a band with real musicians. Unfortunately, I can only play piano. Well actually I can play trumpet, clarinet, flute, piano and guitar. I'm only good at piano though. I also can play euphonium and tuba but they're both just bigger trumpets. I can also play sax but that's essentially a clarinet. I can't really think guitar like I think piano. I can write classical music but not rock music. After seeing Taking Back Sunday on the 28th, I felt this lyrical sort of happiness. I was thinking poetically which is essential for writing music. It was then that I though I'd like to be in a band. I'd prefer to be in  band and tour the world then be an actuary.
THE OTHER DAY I went to school. I don't know why I just felt the need to. But then I couldn't even leave because of all the stupid policies. There goes my control. I need control or I go crazy. What's the point of me going when I can't even leave. They also call everyday I'm not there, but I dont even have to be there since it's in my IEP.

Dieting

I'm extremely proud of myself. I've been on a low-carb diet for 5 days. I try to go on this diet a lot but I never stick with it for more than 1.5 days. My mood was excellent yesterday and the day before. It's a not a noticeable mood. I'm a very quiet person so I don't show when I'm in a good mood. While I am an extraverted feeler, it never really shows the way it does in most people. My mood dropped last night. It may be because my glucose levels are super low. The only carbs I've had are from fruits and veggies. I also had crust off chicken pot pie yesterday, but only because I had worked out before. My work out was amazing. This diet gives so much energy. Even though I don't have the heightened mood, I can still feel the diet's effects. When I'm eating normally, the carbs give me security. On this diet, it's like I can see the world about 10x clearer. My cognition is incredible.
This is diet is the reason I went vegetarian. I became vegetarian in March 2008. I then became lacto-vegetarian March 2010, vegan April 2010, back to vegetarian January 2011, pescetarian April 2011, and starting this October, I starting eating chicken. I still don't eat red meat. I went vegetarian to have a name for myself. I wanted to be different. In middle school, it wasn't enough to just like a band no one else liked; in my mind, I had to do something radically different, go vegetarian. At the same time, I did care about animal cruelty. I still do. At the time, I thought it was common sense to go vegetarian. Even still, I have a hard time knowing that I eat chicken and fish. It's cruel. But sadly, I care more about being lean than eating animals. I don't eat beef because it's actually bad for your health. So is smoking cigarettes, but I already am beef-free so it'll be easier to stay that way. I eat chicken because it is so much cheaper than fish. Ideally, I'd love to be a pescetarian. Maybe once I do my own grocery shopping. I'll reassess my diet.   Right now, there are only certain food I will eat lean poultry, non-white fish, fruit, veggies, legumes, beans, and quinoa. Everything else is poison. I'll eat white fish because it's still nutritious I just hate the taste. On this diet, I'm only eating the foods I mentioned. I never drink sugar drinks. I'm always on a carb spectrum. Sugar drinks bring me to the high carb spectrum, which is suicide. They make me unhappy and fat. The only good thing is that they taste good. However, my "safe-foods" are also tasty. It's unfortunate that there is no fast food place where you can just order straight up whole food, like a cup of carrots or something.
I also thought going vegetarian would help me lose weight. It actually made me fatter, in a way. Before going vegetarian, I ate a lot of everything. A lot of protein, a lot of fat, but a monstrous amount of carbs. It's not meat that makes people fat, it's the potato chips, fries, coke, etc. I also believe that diet drinks make people fat. I don't drink anything with aspartame because it makes me rage, but I can drink Sucralose. I love the blue Monster energy drinks. Vegetarians see the obese Americans and think it's from the meat they eat. Part of it is that they don't eat lean meat. They'll have breaded chicken fingers. Vegetarians may think bacon wrapped scallops are also unhealthy, which they are. However, bacon is better than a cookie. They're both wicked high in saturated fat but the cookie has sugar while the bacon has protein.
I actually did lose a huge amount of weight going vegan. As a vegetarians, I became a carbomaniac. Now I'm a carbophobic. Since my mood is so good when I don't have carbs, I wonder if my depression in 9th grade may have been cause or been worsened by eating so many carbs.
If you're reading this and want to lose weight. It's not enough to just eat small portions and excersize, you have to also watch what you're eating. You can lose so much more weigh by smart dieting alone then passive dieting and excersize. If you're an N personality like me, this is my suggestion. For S personalities, they like moderation and small steps better so they'll probably do better passive dieting and excerisize.

Old Music

It blows my mind that some people don't listen to as much music as I do. Today is a day to listen to some of your band's old music. Usually when I first download a band. I'll listen to their newest album. Usually band's progress from shitty local music to good music. (Granted, there are some exceptions where bands sell out). After I get into the band's newest album, I usually won't listen to their older album. This situation arises a lot where the older album just isn't as good. However, if you listen to a band's better album, you have a better shot of liking the other album. Today, I listened to Somewhere...  by La Dispute and Plunder, Beg and Curse by Colour Revolt. I like the albums Wildlife and The Cradle a lot better. It's good to know every band an album puts out. When you see the band live, the old songs will sound better since the band has progressed. I think Somewhere is really whiny, but it actually has some things that aren't in Wildlife. With one of my favorite bands Brand New, their older music isn't as good but it's classic for me. Anything I listened to before 7th grade is "classic". In a few years though, everything I listen to now will be called "classic". Another example is Our Last Night's first album, The Ghosts Among Us. The vocals are terrible but now that the band is better, the songs are amazing live. I'm glad I know the old songs.
So if you have a band in your library but only have one album, get the other album (if there is one) and check it out. I don't want to condone downloading music but it's a great way to find music. If you use torrent, you can download a whole bands' discography. Just search ____(name of band) discography on google.