I have a friend last night that asked me to help her do a short film. I like the idea of collaboration on creative projects. However, I've had horrible experiences. The horrible experiences occured because I worked with untalented people. I am someone with very low motivation. The only thing that motivate me are money. However, a friend and I did a Thrice cover at a open-mic event. Performing our cover was very rewarding. In middle school, I was musically stimulated. In middle school, I played tuba in the school band, clarinet in chamber ensemble, and piano in jazz band. By 8th grade, my depression was starting to form. There was one week in the beginning of 8th grade where I was actually depressed. At the time I was religious, and someone in my church said that Satan can possess people for periods of time. I was under the impression that Satan was controlling me. I wasn't psychotic though; the church told me. It's really the church that was psychotic. It's sad that those assholes convince people to believe in all the contradictory bull shit. One of the church leaders shrugged his shoulders when I told him I was starting to feel because I was taking a medication. It's like they'd rather you suffer because they think you're hurting for a reason.
I need to be stimulated again. I have no motivation because all of the talentless stuff I've dealt with. One time I was in a band and all we did was play covers. During the time though, I was in school everyday, working both days every weekend, attending band practice. I was very very busy but even now I'm doing more. It takes less time but I'm doing more. When I'm not in school, I'm practicing piano. I've actually improved because of it. I have no reason to go to school. Over the summer, I bought an AP Economics book and read it for a week. In that weed, I learned more about economics then I did this whole semester in my stupid economics honors class. I'm in college prep english, so my GPA is better because I can do economics yet its lowered because of my english, which is more challenging the economics. Not really this year though, because I do nothing for school. I'm in an individual english class because of my IEP and the teacher is extremely lax and unorganized. Then I have AP Latin which I don't go to. The teacher is lax and isn't confrontational and told me I don't even have to go to class. They don't even do anything in class. It's 2nd period so there's no reason for me to force myself out of bed.
Before this year started, I was going to take 4 classes (the mininum is 5) and work more. The school allowed it, but I work the same amount. I make more than everyone else in my grade because I'm a waitor. I make more in one shift then they do in a fucking week. I was planning to go back to classes before but I don't care anymore, I have no reason to go. I'm smart can figure this shit out myself. It'd be nice if there were some discussions to take part in but there aren't. I turn 18 later this month so I'll be able to get another job as a waitor where I can serve alcohol. People are ignorant though. They think that working dinner makes you more money then breakfast. They're actually the same pay overall. At breakfast, you have more tables since people don't sit as long. I like to work.
Ideally though, I want to start a band with real musicians. Unfortunately, I can only play piano. Well actually I can play trumpet, clarinet, flute, piano and guitar. I'm only good at piano though. I also can play euphonium and tuba but they're both just bigger trumpets. I can also play sax but that's essentially a clarinet. I can't really think guitar like I think piano. I can write classical music but not rock music. After seeing Taking Back Sunday on the 28th, I felt this lyrical sort of happiness. I was thinking poetically which is essential for writing music. It was then that I though I'd like to be in a band. I'd prefer to be in band and tour the world then be an actuary.
THE OTHER DAY I went to school. I don't know why I just felt the need to. But then I couldn't even leave because of all the stupid policies. There goes my control. I need control or I go crazy. What's the point of me going when I can't even leave. They also call everyday I'm not there, but I dont even have to be there since it's in my IEP.
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