Freshman Year

It just hit me how long I've been in high school. I have this thing where I always think about where I was three years ago. I've been doing this for as long as I can remember. I actually have a journal from my freshman year, three years ago. In one of the entries, I wrote how I feel like I'm in a cold box that's big enough where I can move around and stay alive but that's about it. Looking back, it's amazing how I sound like Sylvia Plath. What really is amazing is that when I was writing in this journal, I was not trying to whine or complain. This is just how I was. Anyways, three years ago, I was in that band which I hated.  I was getting very tired of school. I started skipping. There were several projects that I didn't do and just took zero's. My teachers were starting to get pissed at me. I didn't care though. Almost exactly three years ago, my grandmother died and my mother was in the hospital. My mom has RSD, which is a chronic pain disorder. People with RSD have twice the amount of pain as people with cancer. These things really stuck with me all year. I never thought about them, they just left holes in my life. I was also unhappy with my life in general. Once I got my car and started Seroquel, I am much more independent. If I'm in an uncomfortable place, I just leave. Back then, I couldn't. I was also eating a LOT of carbs. I was 5'9" and 215 lbs. Now I'm 5'11" and 182. I was actually 190 on new years, and it's not just water weight. It ticks me off that I'm an endomorph. Some people I know eat horrible diets but are thinner then me. I actually have to work to lose weight. A typical ninth grade day would be I'd wake up. I'd say to myself, "normal people don't wake up this early." My breakfast would be carbs. At school for lunch I'd eat poptarts. Then I'd go home and my mom would ask how my day was and I'd get mad for no reason. I don't really know what I'd do after that. I'd get really depressed and have an empty feeling in my stomach. I'd go to starbucks a lot and wonder why I didn't sleep at night. It wasn't until junior year that I drank coffee in the morning rather than at night. I listened to bad music like A Day To Remember, The Devil Wears Prada. The typical "post-hardcore" bands. I still listen to August Burns Red because they are good. There was one band that I really got into though, Circa Survive. I got into them the night before high school started. I was also really into Vanna. The second time I saw Vanna was the best moment of my freshman year. It was because I was with friends that I felt liked me. Looking back though, this was foolish. I wonder if I was an S personality that year. My belief is that intuitive personalities can resort into their S personality that shares the same functions. As an INTP, this would mean I was an ISFJ. Being happy meant I needed to be liked. I was everything I resent. I didn't have full albums, I was cheesy, etc. I wanted to be my INTP self but for some reason I just couldn't. I'm different then most high schoolers. I am my own person. Work has been helpful. Being around older people makes me act more independent.