My Mood Disorder (Part 1)

I miss a lot of school. I've always been absent frequently. From first grade to ninth grade, I was absent about 20 times per year. In ninth grade I got extremely depressed. It's important to know that I have many of my own personal perceptions of things. However, I rarely make concrete judgments. My perception of my depression is that I was more depressed than most people my age. It wasn't the typical depression people go through. There are only five people I know that experienced what I went through. During this time, I frequently had feelings of extreme emptiness in my stomach. I'd be so sad yet apathetic I didn't even know what to do with myself. It started around February 2011. There were some factors. My grandmother had just died, and my mother was extremely sick with Lyme Disease and Reflex Sympathetic Dystrophy. I felt a little bit better once the summer started. At the beginning of sophomore year, it was unbearable. I ended up going into a stupid "hospital". In this place, there was no therapy. Kids just started medication or adjusted there medication in a safe place. Psychiatric medicine can be extremely dangerous. When I left, I was very happy. I was on Prozac. Prozac is like crack. I don't know if it's actually like crack, I haven't ever tried crack. I did try ecstasy once, but I was on an anti-depressant that blunted the effect. I was too happy on Prozac. The Prozac ended up giving my anxiety so I switched to Zoloft, which increased my depression. I was very depressed and sedated in sophomore year. By the end of the year, I had taken Prozac, Abilify, Zoloft, Effexor, Lamictal, Seroquel, and Celexa. My medicine was adjusted every two weeks, which cause extreme mood swings. I missed a lot of school. I think I missed 90 days. Even when I was there, I did not attend classes. I experienced lot of behaviors that are not normal for my personality. Effexor was definitely the strongest medicine I had taken that year. I was on it from January to May. It made me agressive and anxious. I was never depressed on it. I would often wonder why I still felt "sick". I'd get extreme irritability and anxiety. I'd be so caught up in my mood swings that I would put myself to sleep at odd hours. I almost lost my job because I confronted a co-worker for a stupid reason. It actually wasn't a stupid reason. I defended one of my friends. I couldn't keep myself from confronting the person, since I couldn't pick and choose my battles well. Lamictal helped a lot, but I got a rash two weeks into taking it. I don't think it was the "Lamictal rash"; it was just a rash. However, my doctor took this seriously and took me off the medicine. I wish I didn't tell anyone about the rash. Lamictal is approved for the long-term treatment of Bipolar Disorder, whereas the medicine I take now, Seroquel, is only approved for acute treatment. My diagnosis was Major Depressive Disorder. Once I started Celexa, I got suicidal thoughts. I almost killed myself but I decided to check myself into the hospital again. The Celexa didn't directly cause the thoughts. I was already just fed up with life. In my sophomore year, I missed my lifestyle ninth grade. I missed going to school and hanging out with people. All I did that year was get high. In March that year, I went to see Vanna. The show was good. I went home and everything hit me. I realized how different my life was. I realized how distant I became, and it was all my fault. It was my fault that a lot of my relationships ended.