Shows

Last night I saw the band Four Year Strong, which was very good. One band that opened, Balance and Composure, was very good. It made me think that at my more independent age now. See when I was a kid, I'd research the music that I listened to but wasn't really a part of it. I didn't go to the shows or anything. My new years resolution is to support music more. There's this new genre out called The Wave. I only listen to one of the bands, La Dispute. I really like them. In middle school, I remember reading about where the bands I listened to came from. Balance and Composure isn't part of the wave but their music is similar. After the show, I felt like I was part of something. It felt nice. I always go in the crowd, but I never used to go in the mosh pits. I do now. I also like getting kicked in the head by crowd surfers. It gets me into a state. As an INTP, I think that the only way to get euphoric is using drugs. Drugs are realistic things. I don't understand why shows put me in a state but I try not to. I dont have to understand it to enjoy it. After the show, I got stoned and listened to the music. I thought about support music and stuff like that. I also thought about moving to New Jersey. I don't know why, I've just been thinking about New Jersey a lot lately. My new years resolution is to be a part of music more. I want to be an actuary when I'm older just for stability reasons. I really want to just be a musician.

Embracing Today

There is something that dominates my thought constantly. It's called the MBTI. The MBTI has interested me more than anything ever has before. It changed my views of people, behavior. It is a way of organizing my analyses of everything. This is ironic because my personality type is one that analyzes everything. My guess is that the majority of people have taken the MBTI at some point in their life. I love the MBTI because there is no "in-between". Everyone has a type. I do believe that people switch types; I know that I did. Before Seroquel I was an ISFP but now I am an INTP. I've always been an INTP, it's just that once I started getting depressed I was an ISFP. I was still an INTP but I wasn't acting like my true self. As a T personality, I care more about function than aesthetic. However, I can still appreciate when things are aesthetic. In English, I just finished this book, Great Expectations. The story, to me, was just a story about a boy's journey. There was no underlying theme. Since I'm an N, I like things that have a "big picture". I really like satire. It's hard for me to like something based on its process. It's kind of like the movie Pulp Fiction. There is no underlying theme, but I like the movie because of the acting, plot, etc. This is rare for me. I don't think movies that I like based on the process will ever be in my top movies.
With the F/T spectrum, there are some albums that I like because of the good music. I'm a musician, so I like when the music is good. However, I have a connection with some albums. These albums are usually good music too but...... I just have to point out, sometimes my thoughts are racing so fast in my head I can't keep track of what I'm thinking.
One album I have a deep connection with is Emarosa's self titled album. Yesterday, I went driving and listened to it on my iPod I thought, I have to buy this Cd. I just have to buy it. Unfortunately I got in the wrong lane to Newbury Comics so I didn't go but then my friend called me and invited me to come christmas shopping with her. I bought the CD then but I'm kind of wishing I bought when I first had the impulse.
I was sitting in this rock quarry, (the rock quarry is part of me since I'm an INTP and one of my functions is Introverted Sensing, well same with music actually since music is a sense. I have another post about this). I was by myself and kind of lost touch with reality. I was lamenting over the fact that I've been by myself the majority of my high school career. I haven't been in school, hung out with the same people. It's really nothing to be sad about because there's nothing wrong with it. It's not bothering me right now.
I own three CDs. Blue Sky Noise by Circa Survive, The Earth Sings Mi Fa Mi by The Receiving End of Sirens, and now Emarosa by Emarosa.  When I was at the quarry, I thought about something I think about a lot. There is this life I wish I had. Well it's actually I way I wish my life was. There have been moments where I have felt close to it but they happen rarely. One is listening to physical CDs. It has to do with things that happen in the 90's. Also, the album Deja Entendu by Brand New makes me feel like this. Being at the rock quarry does. Being with this old friend I had. It has to do with age 6, in 2000. I lived with my mom's boyfriend in an somewhat old house. I had a step-brother who was much older. In 2000 he was 15/16/17 I don't remember. But he felt so much older than me. He was in high school and we would hang out a lot. Not a lot but sometimes. I picked up on some sensory things then and loved the senses. I thought I would get the same senses when I was in high school but now that I'm in high school I haven't felt these senses that much. There's also a friend of mine who has a basement very similar to the house I used to live in so that basement is a throwback. I wasn't able to piece all of this together until a few times getting extremely stoned. When I smoke weed, I usually just get high (which I haven't in the longest time) but sometimes I will get stoned I come to incredible epiphanies. When I first started doing this, the epiphanies were stupid but I didn't realize it while I was making them. There is so much stuff that stays with us that we don't even realize. But just recently I had another epiphany (without weed).
In  a few years, I'm going to have that same sensory thing about the time RIGHT NOW IN THIS MOMENT. So I don't really look back anymore. I think, things from age 6 are rooted really deeply into peoples brains but same with age 17. It's just that I think I'm old but I am so young and I have many many years ahead of me, assuming I don't die. So thinking about this at the rock quarry, I decided to buy that CD.
I used to live in another house. When I go near there I think, wow I remember living here, but I only lived there for 2 years. I'm sure when I come back to the house I live in now, that I've been in for 3 years I'll be even more thrown back. So here's to today. Although our current senses aren't noticeable and boring, we have to embrace them. Embrace every sense you find today, no matter its significance. And if you really love music, buy the music that matters, because this is my new years resolution.

Coffee

Coffee is the best drink in the world. I have so many memories where a cup of coffee lifted my spirits. I got into coffee towards the end of 8th grade. My friend got my hooked on Starbucks Frapuccinos, which don't count as coffee. Knowing this, I got myself to like the lattes. I would get an Iced Quad Venti Hazelnut Nonfat Latte. About the long name: I felt better about myself since I ordered a complicated drink. I liked the writing on the side of the cups where the barista would write modifications. I wanted my drink to have a lot of writing on the cup. I wonder how much money I spent on Starbucks in 8th grade. Eventually in 9th grade, I started making coffee at my house. I would bet that I am one of few people my age who brews their own coffee and drinks it black. Lattes and cappucinos are great but real coffee drinkers brew their coffee at home, drink it black, and buy real coffee. Fake coffee includes Folger's, Maxwell House, Dunkin Donuts, etc. I don't even settle for inferior coffee. Fake coffee tastes like burnt candles and pee. Many people say they think Starbucks is "too bitter". Ignorant americans like this don't realize that Starbucks has so many different varieties. I think Starbucks sucks money out of everyone's wallets with their drinks, but their whole bean coffee market is awesome. I mostly drink Indonesian blends like Sumatra, Sulawesi, but I also like Brazilian Coffee. I'm fortunate to live right next to a coffee roaster that's exposed me to many different varieties of coffee. I don't shop their often though, since it's in a dangerous location and the coffee is wicked expensive.
The bottom line is that coffee is the best drink in the world. Unfortunately, not many people drink real coffee. I do go to Starbucks occasionaly to get a drink. Sometimes I get the overly sweet lattes but if I go I usually get the Starbucks Doubleshot on Ice. It was taken off the menu 3 years ago but I still order it. It's the best drink you can get there.
When I have coffee, I feel motivated. Sometimes I go through periods of excessive caffeine intake. I call it  "caffeine-stoned". I haven't done this lately, but it makes me feel disoriented. I don't really get anxious, hyper or irritable. It's an interesting feeling. Earlier this year, my friend and I drank energy drinks constantly. We'd have it with coffee so it was a really nice buzz.

My Mood Disorder (Part 3)

My trilogy of posts have inaccurate titles. I do not have a mood disorder. In the other posts, I forgot to mention that I have had three different psychiatrists. My current one is the most knowledgeable out of the three. This is the way I see it at least. He is does clinical work but also does research. He also seems the less stressed out of the three. He suspected that I have Asperger's so he referred to a place that does testing. The people who tested me found that I might have Asperger's. They found that my main symptom is intrusive thoughts. The diagnosed me with Psychotic Thought Disorder NOS. They told me that their main conclusion was not this diagnosis, but that my main symptom was intrusive thoughts. They also said I meet some criteria for Asperger's, Mood Disorder NOS, Schizophrenia and Schizoaffective Disorder. If I do actually have a mood disorder, it is secondary to my intrusive thoughts. I learned about this diagnosis just two days ago. Their findings do not surprise me at all. I've had intrusive thoughts my whole life. I'm going to make some of my blogs about specific, recurring thoughts I have. This blog needs a purpose.

This Time Last Year

This time last year, my mom had just bought me a new laptop. Since it was a Mac, I could download things without getting viruses. I torrented a lot of movies, including American Beauty, which has become one of my favorite movies.
I was going to Starbucks constantly buying Green Tea. I went because I was trying to get 30 points on a rewards card to get to the gold level. The points disappear after a year, and it's been a year. I never got up to 30 points.
Starbucks had sales for the first 12 days of december. They were some pretty good sales. One of them was a free $5 dollar gift card if you bought a pound of coffee.
I was drinking Sumatra from Peet's.
I was frequently going christmas shopping with one of my friends. We smoked cigarettes and ate onion rings in her father's blue Toyota Camry.
I listened to RX Bandit's Mandala constantly.
I was a vegan.
I was on Neurontin and Saphris. I was supposed to be taking Lithium but I wasn't.
For the first time in many years, I felt the Christmas spirit.
I was a Junior.
I was obsessed with movies. I watched about one movie a day.
This wasn't the "best time of my life" or anything. I just really enjoyed it. I was still a little unhappy. I wasn't as conscious as I am now. I just have very fond memories from this time last year.

My Mood Disorder (Part 2)

When I checked myself into the hospital again, I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder. Since I had been on medication before, the doctors there didn't have the best evidence. I either have Bipolar Disorder, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder or Asperger's. I'm not really sure. I was put on Lithium and Geodon. I felt some benefit, but more side effects. Many side effects. Before junior year, I was put on Neurontin. All three medicines together made me feel stoned all day. By this time, I didn't really smoke pot anymore. I rarely got any mood disturbances on these medicines. I was a blur. In November, I decided it was time to take myself off Lithium. December was actually a good month. I have many good memories from that month. In December I got tired of medicine so I just came off of it. I was utterly shocked when I found little change in my mood and sleep. I still missed school because of tiredness. I actually slept more. April - June, the Seroquel put me to bed at night. During June- November Geodon put me to sleep and November to December Saphris put me to sleep. I was never an insomniac. It's just that medicine for mood stabilization puts people to sleep. I had great difficulty falling sleep after coming off the medicine. For about 2 months I would go to sleep after midnight every night. In March I got fed up with this. My anxiety was also coming back. One day, I came home from school and my mom wasn't home. I panicked. I thought she died. I knew she was at the grocery store or something but I couldn't tell myself this. I expected the worse and broke down. For two weeks I ravaged through my medicine cabinet. I took Nyquil and Benadryl in order to fall asleep. I snorted Xanax a couple of times to help my anxiety. I still miss the taste of Nyquil and the wondrous feeling I got after snorting Xanax. Xanax made the world seem like a beautiful place and made me think my life was perfect in every way. The Xanax made me realize things that were actually true. The world really is a beautiful place and my life is as perfect as a life can be. I was put on Neurontin alone to help anxiety. The first day on Neurontin alone, I hung out with some friends. I felt so included and felt so content with other people. I rarely get this anymore. Neurontin is a very interesting drug. However, it made me suicidal in three weeks. It also made me burst into tears randomly. I was put on Seroquel to stabilize my mood. I've been on Seroquel only ever since. Neurontin helps me socialize so I take it as needed.

Books

My feelings of isolation ended up going away. I don't feel lonely at all today. It's amazing how quickly feelings can end.
I'm going to try to read more. Earlier this year I read two amazing books: The Painted Veil by W. Somerset Maugham and A Scanner Darkly by Phillip Dick.
The Painted Veil explores the meaninglessness of life. Instead of summarize the books I'll just say what I got out of them. The Painted Veil had nuns who spent their whole life doing god's work, a man who destroyed his life and his lover's life, and an alcoholic. The alcoholic, Waddington, had the most interesting thoughts about life. He says how there is no real purpose in life except to enjoy it. It is not clear whether the nuns enjoy their life. The bottom line is that letting one aspect of your life consume your whole life. One character tries to kills himself and tries to kill his lover due to a broken heart. This book was a factor into my "conversion" to atheism. It is so important to enjoy your life because it is your only life.
A Scanner Darkly is about a drug-addicted society. The main characters right and left brain hemispheres are competing rather than working together. Also, the book deals with how cops need criminals to have their jobs. Basically, it says how everything works in twos. In the end, we find that the main rehab is supplying the drug. What I took out of this was that rehabs need drug addicts to stay in business. I loved the name of the drug too, Substance D. The book was written very well.
You can gain knowledge from fiction books and nonfiction. Nonfiction is very direct. I spend a lot of time researching things on the internet, mainly repetitive things. However, a lot can be learned from good literature.

Jealousy

In middle school, we had some half days. Our middle school was about a mile away from the downtown area. There was a group of guys in my middle school who were close with each other. I would sit with them at lunch and thought in my head I was part of their group. On the half days, everyone would would to the center of town. There wasn't even anything to do in the center of town. There was a CVS, two pizza parlors, a candlepin bowling alley. Most of my class would walk to the center of town on half days. I don't know why I went with them. I felt rejected and lonely each time. No one talked to me. I felt so left out. I'd feel so left out I wouldn't even know what to do with myself. Instead of talking about how I feel lonely and left out, I'm going to go the gym right now. Whenever I've felt left out, it's because I'm around people I don't fully care for. I have high expectations. I am furious when my expectations are not met. However, my world is perfect when my expectations are met. Last night, I talked to one of my musician friends about music and a bunch of stuff. Musicians are very different people. It must be the wiring of our brains or something. I don't really give people chances which is why I feel lonely. When making friends, I expect it to happen immediately when I meet the person.

My Mood Disorder (Part 1)

I miss a lot of school. I've always been absent frequently. From first grade to ninth grade, I was absent about 20 times per year. In ninth grade I got extremely depressed. It's important to know that I have many of my own personal perceptions of things. However, I rarely make concrete judgments. My perception of my depression is that I was more depressed than most people my age. It wasn't the typical depression people go through. There are only five people I know that experienced what I went through. During this time, I frequently had feelings of extreme emptiness in my stomach. I'd be so sad yet apathetic I didn't even know what to do with myself. It started around February 2011. There were some factors. My grandmother had just died, and my mother was extremely sick with Lyme Disease and Reflex Sympathetic Dystrophy. I felt a little bit better once the summer started. At the beginning of sophomore year, it was unbearable. I ended up going into a stupid "hospital". In this place, there was no therapy. Kids just started medication or adjusted there medication in a safe place. Psychiatric medicine can be extremely dangerous. When I left, I was very happy. I was on Prozac. Prozac is like crack. I don't know if it's actually like crack, I haven't ever tried crack. I did try ecstasy once, but I was on an anti-depressant that blunted the effect. I was too happy on Prozac. The Prozac ended up giving my anxiety so I switched to Zoloft, which increased my depression. I was very depressed and sedated in sophomore year. By the end of the year, I had taken Prozac, Abilify, Zoloft, Effexor, Lamictal, Seroquel, and Celexa. My medicine was adjusted every two weeks, which cause extreme mood swings. I missed a lot of school. I think I missed 90 days. Even when I was there, I did not attend classes. I experienced lot of behaviors that are not normal for my personality. Effexor was definitely the strongest medicine I had taken that year. I was on it from January to May. It made me agressive and anxious. I was never depressed on it. I would often wonder why I still felt "sick". I'd get extreme irritability and anxiety. I'd be so caught up in my mood swings that I would put myself to sleep at odd hours. I almost lost my job because I confronted a co-worker for a stupid reason. It actually wasn't a stupid reason. I defended one of my friends. I couldn't keep myself from confronting the person, since I couldn't pick and choose my battles well. Lamictal helped a lot, but I got a rash two weeks into taking it. I don't think it was the "Lamictal rash"; it was just a rash. However, my doctor took this seriously and took me off the medicine. I wish I didn't tell anyone about the rash. Lamictal is approved for the long-term treatment of Bipolar Disorder, whereas the medicine I take now, Seroquel, is only approved for acute treatment. My diagnosis was Major Depressive Disorder. Once I started Celexa, I got suicidal thoughts. I almost killed myself but I decided to check myself into the hospital again. The Celexa didn't directly cause the thoughts. I was already just fed up with life. In my sophomore year, I missed my lifestyle ninth grade. I missed going to school and hanging out with people. All I did that year was get high. In March that year, I went to see Vanna. The show was good. I went home and everything hit me. I realized how different my life was. I realized how distant I became, and it was all my fault. It was my fault that a lot of my relationships ended.