My mom had to go to the ER last night. She had diverticulosis. Since it has to do with bleeding, they had to draw blood twice. Since she has RSD, it's extremely difficult to draw blood. It can be less painful if a special IV nurse does it, but the first two times it was done by a regular nurse. The first time failed unfortunately so they drew blood three times. She screamed very loud. It was extremely painful. The most pain anyone can feel in fact. It was horrifying to watch. I haven't seen her in this much pain since she had Lyme's disease. I'm very concerned for when I leave for college. I almost feel like it's selfish of me. When I got home, I had three cigarettes and danced a lot. I didn't have any weed. I missed school today since I took the Seroquel very late. I'm going to miss school tomorrow because I have to bring my mom to physical therapy. I'm just glad that I communicated with my teachers. I don't feel like I'm being lazy. Things are getting better for her it's just scary to watch.

Rant About School

My high school semester ends in about two weeks. I'm behind in two of my four classes. Next semester, I'm signed up for this environmental science class. I only signed up because I panicked at the beginning of the year, since I didn't have a lot of classes on my schedule. I really don't think I'll take it though. I have no reason to. My plan is to study for some of the AP exams, since you don't need to take the class to take the exam. I'm getting tired of that school. My priority this next semester isn't to get back in school. I should be doing other things, like writing music, maybe writing a book, and other creative stuff. It's very sad that the high schools of America are wasting everyone's time. The material of a whole year can be learned in 2 months. I'm glad that I don't step down to that. Unfortunately, I don't do much with my free time, just sleep and play piano. There's really no opportunities for me. I'm so much smarter than most people. I learned more in a week this summer about economics than I have this whole semester. Senior year is like those roads next to a highway. It's not really structured. But I bet if high school ended junior year, kids would be stressed. It's nice to have a year of nothingness. I really should've just graduated high school early.

Freshman Year

It just hit me how long I've been in high school. I have this thing where I always think about where I was three years ago. I've been doing this for as long as I can remember. I actually have a journal from my freshman year, three years ago. In one of the entries, I wrote how I feel like I'm in a cold box that's big enough where I can move around and stay alive but that's about it. Looking back, it's amazing how I sound like Sylvia Plath. What really is amazing is that when I was writing in this journal, I was not trying to whine or complain. This is just how I was. Anyways, three years ago, I was in that band which I hated.  I was getting very tired of school. I started skipping. There were several projects that I didn't do and just took zero's. My teachers were starting to get pissed at me. I didn't care though. Almost exactly three years ago, my grandmother died and my mother was in the hospital. My mom has RSD, which is a chronic pain disorder. People with RSD have twice the amount of pain as people with cancer. These things really stuck with me all year. I never thought about them, they just left holes in my life. I was also unhappy with my life in general. Once I got my car and started Seroquel, I am much more independent. If I'm in an uncomfortable place, I just leave. Back then, I couldn't. I was also eating a LOT of carbs. I was 5'9" and 215 lbs. Now I'm 5'11" and 182. I was actually 190 on new years, and it's not just water weight. It ticks me off that I'm an endomorph. Some people I know eat horrible diets but are thinner then me. I actually have to work to lose weight. A typical ninth grade day would be I'd wake up. I'd say to myself, "normal people don't wake up this early." My breakfast would be carbs. At school for lunch I'd eat poptarts. Then I'd go home and my mom would ask how my day was and I'd get mad for no reason. I don't really know what I'd do after that. I'd get really depressed and have an empty feeling in my stomach. I'd go to starbucks a lot and wonder why I didn't sleep at night. It wasn't until junior year that I drank coffee in the morning rather than at night. I listened to bad music like A Day To Remember, The Devil Wears Prada. The typical "post-hardcore" bands. I still listen to August Burns Red because they are good. There was one band that I really got into though, Circa Survive. I got into them the night before high school started. I was also really into Vanna. The second time I saw Vanna was the best moment of my freshman year. It was because I was with friends that I felt liked me. Looking back though, this was foolish. I wonder if I was an S personality that year. My belief is that intuitive personalities can resort into their S personality that shares the same functions. As an INTP, this would mean I was an ISFJ. Being happy meant I needed to be liked. I was everything I resent. I didn't have full albums, I was cheesy, etc. I wanted to be my INTP self but for some reason I just couldn't. I'm different then most high schoolers. I am my own person. Work has been helpful. Being around older people makes me act more independent.

I just had a lot of coffee....

I have a friend last night that asked me to help her do a short film. I like the idea of collaboration on creative projects. However, I've had horrible experiences. The horrible experiences occured because I worked with untalented people. I am someone with very low motivation. The only thing that motivate me are money. However, a friend and I did a Thrice cover at a open-mic event. Performing our cover was very rewarding. In middle school, I was musically stimulated. In middle school, I played tuba in the school band, clarinet in chamber ensemble, and piano in jazz band. By 8th grade, my depression was starting to form. There was one week in the beginning of 8th grade where I was actually depressed. At the time I was religious, and someone in my church said that Satan can possess people for periods of time. I was under the impression that Satan was controlling me. I wasn't psychotic though; the church told me. It's really the church that was psychotic. It's sad that those assholes convince people to believe in all the contradictory bull shit. One of the church leaders shrugged his shoulders when I told him I was starting to feel because I was taking a medication. It's like they'd rather you suffer because they think you're hurting for a reason.
I need to be stimulated again. I have no motivation because all of the talentless stuff I've dealt with. One time I was in a band and all we did was play covers. During the time though, I was in school everyday, working both days every weekend, attending band practice. I was very very busy but even now I'm doing more. It takes less time but I'm doing more. When I'm not in school, I'm practicing piano. I've actually improved because of it. I have no reason to go to school. Over the summer, I bought an AP Economics book and read it for a week. In that weed, I learned more about economics then I did this whole semester in my stupid economics honors class. I'm in college prep english, so my GPA is better because I can do economics yet its lowered because of my english, which is more challenging the economics. Not really this year though, because I do nothing for school. I'm in an individual english class because of my IEP and the teacher is extremely lax and unorganized. Then I have AP Latin which I don't go to. The teacher is lax and isn't confrontational and told me I don't even have to go to class. They don't even do anything in class. It's 2nd period so there's no reason for me to force myself out of bed.
Before this year started, I was going to take 4 classes (the mininum is 5) and work more. The school allowed it, but I work the same amount. I make more than everyone else in my grade because I'm a waitor. I make more in one shift then they do in a fucking week. I was planning to go back to classes before but I don't care anymore, I have no reason to go. I'm smart can figure this shit out myself. It'd be nice if there were some discussions to take part in but there aren't. I turn 18 later this month so I'll be able to get another job as a waitor where I can serve alcohol. People are ignorant though. They think that working dinner makes you more money then breakfast. They're actually the same pay overall. At breakfast, you have more tables since people don't sit as long. I like to work.
Ideally though, I want to start a band with real musicians. Unfortunately, I can only play piano. Well actually I can play trumpet, clarinet, flute, piano and guitar. I'm only good at piano though. I also can play euphonium and tuba but they're both just bigger trumpets. I can also play sax but that's essentially a clarinet. I can't really think guitar like I think piano. I can write classical music but not rock music. After seeing Taking Back Sunday on the 28th, I felt this lyrical sort of happiness. I was thinking poetically which is essential for writing music. It was then that I though I'd like to be in a band. I'd prefer to be in  band and tour the world then be an actuary.
THE OTHER DAY I went to school. I don't know why I just felt the need to. But then I couldn't even leave because of all the stupid policies. There goes my control. I need control or I go crazy. What's the point of me going when I can't even leave. They also call everyday I'm not there, but I dont even have to be there since it's in my IEP.

Dieting

I'm extremely proud of myself. I've been on a low-carb diet for 5 days. I try to go on this diet a lot but I never stick with it for more than 1.5 days. My mood was excellent yesterday and the day before. It's a not a noticeable mood. I'm a very quiet person so I don't show when I'm in a good mood. While I am an extraverted feeler, it never really shows the way it does in most people. My mood dropped last night. It may be because my glucose levels are super low. The only carbs I've had are from fruits and veggies. I also had crust off chicken pot pie yesterday, but only because I had worked out before. My work out was amazing. This diet gives so much energy. Even though I don't have the heightened mood, I can still feel the diet's effects. When I'm eating normally, the carbs give me security. On this diet, it's like I can see the world about 10x clearer. My cognition is incredible.
This is diet is the reason I went vegetarian. I became vegetarian in March 2008. I then became lacto-vegetarian March 2010, vegan April 2010, back to vegetarian January 2011, pescetarian April 2011, and starting this October, I starting eating chicken. I still don't eat red meat. I went vegetarian to have a name for myself. I wanted to be different. In middle school, it wasn't enough to just like a band no one else liked; in my mind, I had to do something radically different, go vegetarian. At the same time, I did care about animal cruelty. I still do. At the time, I thought it was common sense to go vegetarian. Even still, I have a hard time knowing that I eat chicken and fish. It's cruel. But sadly, I care more about being lean than eating animals. I don't eat beef because it's actually bad for your health. So is smoking cigarettes, but I already am beef-free so it'll be easier to stay that way. I eat chicken because it is so much cheaper than fish. Ideally, I'd love to be a pescetarian. Maybe once I do my own grocery shopping. I'll reassess my diet.   Right now, there are only certain food I will eat lean poultry, non-white fish, fruit, veggies, legumes, beans, and quinoa. Everything else is poison. I'll eat white fish because it's still nutritious I just hate the taste. On this diet, I'm only eating the foods I mentioned. I never drink sugar drinks. I'm always on a carb spectrum. Sugar drinks bring me to the high carb spectrum, which is suicide. They make me unhappy and fat. The only good thing is that they taste good. However, my "safe-foods" are also tasty. It's unfortunate that there is no fast food place where you can just order straight up whole food, like a cup of carrots or something.
I also thought going vegetarian would help me lose weight. It actually made me fatter, in a way. Before going vegetarian, I ate a lot of everything. A lot of protein, a lot of fat, but a monstrous amount of carbs. It's not meat that makes people fat, it's the potato chips, fries, coke, etc. I also believe that diet drinks make people fat. I don't drink anything with aspartame because it makes me rage, but I can drink Sucralose. I love the blue Monster energy drinks. Vegetarians see the obese Americans and think it's from the meat they eat. Part of it is that they don't eat lean meat. They'll have breaded chicken fingers. Vegetarians may think bacon wrapped scallops are also unhealthy, which they are. However, bacon is better than a cookie. They're both wicked high in saturated fat but the cookie has sugar while the bacon has protein.
I actually did lose a huge amount of weight going vegan. As a vegetarians, I became a carbomaniac. Now I'm a carbophobic. Since my mood is so good when I don't have carbs, I wonder if my depression in 9th grade may have been cause or been worsened by eating so many carbs.
If you're reading this and want to lose weight. It's not enough to just eat small portions and excersize, you have to also watch what you're eating. You can lose so much more weigh by smart dieting alone then passive dieting and excersize. If you're an N personality like me, this is my suggestion. For S personalities, they like moderation and small steps better so they'll probably do better passive dieting and excerisize.

Old Music

It blows my mind that some people don't listen to as much music as I do. Today is a day to listen to some of your band's old music. Usually when I first download a band. I'll listen to their newest album. Usually band's progress from shitty local music to good music. (Granted, there are some exceptions where bands sell out). After I get into the band's newest album, I usually won't listen to their older album. This situation arises a lot where the older album just isn't as good. However, if you listen to a band's better album, you have a better shot of liking the other album. Today, I listened to Somewhere...  by La Dispute and Plunder, Beg and Curse by Colour Revolt. I like the albums Wildlife and The Cradle a lot better. It's good to know every band an album puts out. When you see the band live, the old songs will sound better since the band has progressed. I think Somewhere is really whiny, but it actually has some things that aren't in Wildlife. With one of my favorite bands Brand New, their older music isn't as good but it's classic for me. Anything I listened to before 7th grade is "classic". In a few years though, everything I listen to now will be called "classic". Another example is Our Last Night's first album, The Ghosts Among Us. The vocals are terrible but now that the band is better, the songs are amazing live. I'm glad I know the old songs.
So if you have a band in your library but only have one album, get the other album (if there is one) and check it out. I don't want to condone downloading music but it's a great way to find music. If you use torrent, you can download a whole bands' discography. Just search ____(name of band) discography on google.