I might repeat stuff and leave stuff out from my last post but I don't really care about accuracy; I just want to write. My second semester was the hardest few months of my life. I still don't consider this era of my life over. I haven't been happy since August.
Here's the issue: I can't take a break. I'm 19 years old. The top priority of people my age is to make friends and have fun. As I'm writing this, I'm being reminded of one of my strengths.
Efficiency and Speed: Working in a restaurant for five years, you are forced to do everything as fast as possible without fucking up. This semester, I didn't spend much time on homework. When I did homework, I did it as quickly as possible without getting distracted. It's easy to focus on all five of your math classes when you love math. If I didn't understand something, I don't give up. I try to figure it out quickly. There were a few things I struggled with this semester but I decided to utilize my teachers' office hours.
Anyways, my success this semester would not have happened with this strength. I commuted back home every week and worked Friday, Saturday, and Sunday, 6:45-2:45. I pulled off a 3.188 GPA while working 24 hours a week and taking five math classes. I already have all the requirements for a math minor and I'm halfway done with my math credits. I have a $7,000 car that's completely paid off, $4,000 in savings, and I pay for all my own shit. I only make $2.63 but I haven't even cashed a paycheck since September. I don't even know how much I have in checks, probably $1000; my employer doesn't deduct taxes for some reason. I've also paid $3,000 dollars out of pocket for college and right now, I'm only $5,500 in debt with student loans. I also lost $3,500 on an old car I had. I work my ass off and I deserve every twenty dollar bill I fucking have. I spend a lot of money and just signed up for a credit card. I have a $700 credit card that I'll probably max out by next week. My credit score is going to be through the roof next year and my credit limit will skyrocket.
So right now, I'm working four days a week, and studying for the next actuarial exam: MFE/3F. I don't actually want to work four days a week though. I'm getting tired of being a server. I also need more time to study and enjoy myself. I think about quitting everyday. I can't take that place seriously anymore. My boss is crazy, I'm sick of dumb customers, I don't always get along with my co-workers, and I can't stand the fucking radio.
My music taste has changed a bit since high school. I always liked hardcore, but now I can't even listen to mellower stuff, except Balance and Composure, The Menzingers, and Turnover. All I listen to is Counterparts, Pianos Become The Teeth, and Defeater. It's pretty depressing music and it's great to listen to when you're depressed. I don't think I'm actually depressed though; my anxiety has just never been this bad before.
It's safe to say that this is the first year of my life I've had legitimate panic attacks. I've always had some sort of agoraphobia and general anxiety, but nothing this bad. This is also the first year I've had a "normal life". I don't have the time for any personal projects, movies or video games, which are actually some hobbies of mine. My entire week is consumed by either work or academics. Nothing wrong with that, but it's definitely stressful. I wonder if my panic attacks are brought on by over thinking. I think a lot to begin with.
Every time I drive my car, my check engine light is just seconds away from coming on. On the highway, I'm going to swerve because my car shakes in the wind and I need new steering links. Every day I'm worried about getting a panic attack.
No comments:
Post a Comment