On Letting Go

Right now, I'm listening to the album On Letting Go by Circa Survive. Circa Survive is my favorite band. In one of my dreams last night, I was flying through a forest of with tall brown trees and vividly green grass. In the background, Circa Survive was playing. I was in a euphoric state. On Letting Go is my go-to CD. If I'm not sure what to listen to, I'll listen to this album. I have known about the band Circa Survive for a long time. The night before my freshman year of high school started, I decided to look them up. I got hooked on the sound of the music immediately. I get internally attached to senses. Music is the biggest example. The sound of the music I listen to is a part of me. There is a rock quarry/ conservation land near my house that is also a part of me. Anyways, I got into Circa Survive exactly when high school started. This synchronicity makes my life more organized. I can tell myself that if I was ever listening to Circa Survive, I was in high school. I used to look at coincidences like this as signs from God. However, I am not religious anymore.
I was never religious as a child either. My mother brought my sister and me to church on major holidays, but I never really believed in God. After 5th grade, I moved to a different town and become part of an Episcopalian church. This was my own choice. I went to a youth group every Friday. I loved listening to the youth pastor talk. He had a lot to say. There was also a music group. I played piano in the group. We played a variety of Christian songs. In 6th grade, youth group was the best time of my week. It was both fun and thought-provoking. By 8th grade, it was no longer fun. At this point, I had become a full-fledge Christian. I didn't even go out to stores on Sundays; I thought doing so would enable another person to work on the Sabbath Day. I was very depressed 8th grade. However, God made my life better. Although   I was ignorant, I was happy. I wasn't as happy as I was this summer, though. When I entered my Major Depressive Episode in 9th grade, I believed in God passively. I knew he was there (even though he never existed) but religion didn't take over much of my thinking. In the beginning of 10th grade, this youth pastor left. Youth group soon became my place to go so I could get high but still have something to do. In 11th grade, I started to question religion. My best friend was an atheist, my favorite show, Family Guy, constantly bashed religion, and religion just didn't make perfect sense. I eventually came to a point where I realized that God was not real. I realized how stupid it was to "turn the other cheek and let God do the work". There is no God to do the work. It is so important that we as humans take care of problems, manage our own lives, and stop at nothing to make our own lives better.
"What God doesn't give to you, you've got to go and get for yourself"- Against Me!
There is only one life; we have no obligations so we might as well enjoy it. I have no problem being immoral; as long as I'm not hurting or harming someone. After becoming an atheist, I have cheated on tests and stolen things.  However, whenever I do such a task now, I make sure it is safe and actually contributes to my happiness whether short term or long term. There is a difference between my atheism now and as a child. As a child, I was an atheist because God was something as fake as Santa Claus. However, I was spiritually unhealthy. While religion isn't real, there is such a thing as spiritual. I believe that everything can be broken down into molecular form and there are no other worldly beings. However, I am aware that the main goal in life is to be happy. Religion is made for people to be happy and moral. I'm not really motivated to be moral, however. I guess in a way I'm spiritually unhealthy. I have a hard time giving sympathy if it means getting a lower grade.
One of the tracks off On Letting Go is called Kicking Your Crosses Down. It's a song about religion. There is a line that says, "nothing is worth it, unless you have a God". If you just read this line, the meaning is blatantly obvious. The meaning of the line is a little different in the context of the song though. When I was religious, this line spoke to me about why religion is so important. However, in my hypomanic state this summer, I was happy even without a religion. I was actually happier than I was without religion. During this state, I understood everything around me. I can't explain how happy I was. Currently, I'm in a dysthymic state. I'm isolating. I haven't been in school regularly all month. I'm unhappy with my weight. There's a lot of other stupid things going on that I can probably change, just like my weight. The biggest thing is that I just don't feel good. I'm tired all day. Part of it is my medication. I'm on 150mg of Seroquel XR. This is the second time I've taken this medicine. I was on it April 2010-June 2010 and started it this year in May. My hypomanic episode a month or so after starting Seroquel. It was definitely a factor. It may have even caused the whole thing. After being on it for awhile, I think it stops working. It's only approved for acute treatment. My guess is that after awhile, you are stable but have to bear with the side effects, extreme tiredness. When you physically take the medicine, the effects are very strong an hour later. You can't do anything. You're dizzy, tired, starving, and confused. It's a weird feeling. I think Seroquel is addictive. After coming off of it the first time, I missed the after-Seroquel buzz. I actually missed it for a whole year. Seroquel is a very good medicine. It  hits most of my symptoms. The only probably with Seroquel is that it lowers motivation. I rarely go out socially since I know I won't enjoy myself. Unfortuantely, I don't even make an effort to enjoy myself. I've been in my room listening to music for a month. I've enjoyed it though. Overall though, I'm not that happy. I'm dysthymic. I've had several panic attacks, depression attacks, rages in the past month too but I haven't experienced anything long term.