I'm not just picky about music. I'm picky about the 4 other senses too.
If I eat something, it has to be good. There has to be a kick to it. It has to be completely spicy, completely cooked, etc. I don't like mediocre food. Also, white fish is gross. So is chicken skin. I don't eat red meat but it has nothing to do with taste. I've just recently started to eat white meat and seafood. I was a previously a vegetarian for 3.5 years. Even eating meat is gross sometimes. My meat has to be cut up. I can't just stick a whole blob of food in my mouth. I've forced myself to do this though, since meat is all protein and will make me thin. I like when things have a strong taste so I'm "hit".
My clothes have to fit right. There are only two pairs of jeans I can wear in public. They fit me perfectly. I threw away a lot of clothes last year because I was fed up with spending days miserable because I had to wear clothes that didn't fit perfectly.
I like quality things. I having the best. I do deprive myself constantly, but ideally, I like having the best of everything.
I'm really tired. I'm so tired I can't even think. I'm getting this feeling that I get sometimes in public. When I have this feeling in public it's awful. This is why I avoid school so much. I'm restless and the back of my eyes feel unsteady.
Wednesday, November 23, 2011
Music
I am a very picky person. I just recently learned about lossless audio. CD audio is the best audio that you can get. Unfortunately, I download all of my music as MP3. Lossless audio is still compressed but the quality is so much better. Unfortunately, it takes up more memory than MP3. I have 1621 songs in my library. I probably won't re-download every single album though. It takes me about a year to listen to my whole library at once. I picky about the organization of my music too. I have to download albums in their entirety. It is absolutely necessary to download music like this. You can't just download a few songs by an artist. Even if I don't like a song on an album, I'll listen to it. I don't always listen to albums in order though; sometimes I can't decide on an album and just listen to random stuff. I won't re-download my whole library since the size of each album is very large. However, there was a time were I re-downloaded my whole library. I downloaded some lyric app that end up corrupting some of the music files. It would corrupt some files on my albums, but not the whole album. However, I had to re-download every album still. It took a very long time but it was very worth it. It took no energy from me, since it was something I was willing to do.
If I'm actually willing to accomplish something, I will work very hard.
My pickiness in music helped me become an autodidactic pianist. I started playing piano 9 years ago. I took lessons for 5 years. Lessons did not really help me. The teacher told me what I was doing wrong in the pieces I was playing. There's only so much a teacher can teach you. Recently, I was told that my piano playing had improved. The person was surprised that I didn't take lessons but also agreed with my feelings about piano teachers. When I play piano, I just play without thinking 90% of the time. When I am practicing, I try very hard to make sure I am play the way I want the piece to sound. There is a discrepancy in the way you think you are playing and the way you are actually playing (this was the topic for my college essay). I'm very picky and anal about phrasing, staccato, rubato, etc. At the end of the day though, whatever piece I'm learning or writing improves. I hate playing classical and baroque music. I only like to play music from the romantic period and from modern Russian composers, especially Rachmaninoff. I've improved more in the 4 years I've taught myself than the 5 years I took lessons. However, this only happened because of my desire to play piano. I love to play piano and am willing to work hard at it. Everyday, I will play freely without thinking. Sometimes, I will go in phases of strict improvement. Improvement takes a lot of the fun out of piano. However, since I know that I'm getting better, I know that it is worth it. I'll eventually be able to play Rachmaninoff perfectly. When I play his music now, I do not play it correctly at all. However, I enjoy playing pieces that I cannot play correctly.
If I'm actually willing to accomplish something, I will work very hard.
My pickiness in music helped me become an autodidactic pianist. I started playing piano 9 years ago. I took lessons for 5 years. Lessons did not really help me. The teacher told me what I was doing wrong in the pieces I was playing. There's only so much a teacher can teach you. Recently, I was told that my piano playing had improved. The person was surprised that I didn't take lessons but also agreed with my feelings about piano teachers. When I play piano, I just play without thinking 90% of the time. When I am practicing, I try very hard to make sure I am play the way I want the piece to sound. There is a discrepancy in the way you think you are playing and the way you are actually playing (this was the topic for my college essay). I'm very picky and anal about phrasing, staccato, rubato, etc. At the end of the day though, whatever piece I'm learning or writing improves. I hate playing classical and baroque music. I only like to play music from the romantic period and from modern Russian composers, especially Rachmaninoff. I've improved more in the 4 years I've taught myself than the 5 years I took lessons. However, this only happened because of my desire to play piano. I love to play piano and am willing to work hard at it. Everyday, I will play freely without thinking. Sometimes, I will go in phases of strict improvement. Improvement takes a lot of the fun out of piano. However, since I know that I'm getting better, I know that it is worth it. I'll eventually be able to play Rachmaninoff perfectly. When I play his music now, I do not play it correctly at all. However, I enjoy playing pieces that I cannot play correctly.
Monday, November 21, 2011
On Letting Go
Right now, I'm listening to the album On Letting Go by Circa Survive. Circa Survive is my favorite band. In one of my dreams last night, I was flying through a forest of with tall brown trees and vividly green grass. In the background, Circa Survive was playing. I was in a euphoric state. On Letting Go is my go-to CD. If I'm not sure what to listen to, I'll listen to this album. I have known about the band Circa Survive for a long time. The night before my freshman year of high school started, I decided to look them up. I got hooked on the sound of the music immediately. I get internally attached to senses. Music is the biggest example. The sound of the music I listen to is a part of me. There is a rock quarry/ conservation land near my house that is also a part of me. Anyways, I got into Circa Survive exactly when high school started. This synchronicity makes my life more organized. I can tell myself that if I was ever listening to Circa Survive, I was in high school. I used to look at coincidences like this as signs from God. However, I am not religious anymore.
I was never religious as a child either. My mother brought my sister and me to church on major holidays, but I never really believed in God. After 5th grade, I moved to a different town and become part of an Episcopalian church. This was my own choice. I went to a youth group every Friday. I loved listening to the youth pastor talk. He had a lot to say. There was also a music group. I played piano in the group. We played a variety of Christian songs. In 6th grade, youth group was the best time of my week. It was both fun and thought-provoking. By 8th grade, it was no longer fun. At this point, I had become a full-fledge Christian. I didn't even go out to stores on Sundays; I thought doing so would enable another person to work on the Sabbath Day. I was very depressed 8th grade. However, God made my life better. Although I was ignorant, I was happy. I wasn't as happy as I was this summer, though. When I entered my Major Depressive Episode in 9th grade, I believed in God passively. I knew he was there (even though he never existed) but religion didn't take over much of my thinking. In the beginning of 10th grade, this youth pastor left. Youth group soon became my place to go so I could get high but still have something to do. In 11th grade, I started to question religion. My best friend was an atheist, my favorite show, Family Guy, constantly bashed religion, and religion just didn't make perfect sense. I eventually came to a point where I realized that God was not real. I realized how stupid it was to "turn the other cheek and let God do the work". There is no God to do the work. It is so important that we as humans take care of problems, manage our own lives, and stop at nothing to make our own lives better.
"What God doesn't give to you, you've got to go and get for yourself"- Against Me!
There is only one life; we have no obligations so we might as well enjoy it. I have no problem being immoral; as long as I'm not hurting or harming someone. After becoming an atheist, I have cheated on tests and stolen things. However, whenever I do such a task now, I make sure it is safe and actually contributes to my happiness whether short term or long term. There is a difference between my atheism now and as a child. As a child, I was an atheist because God was something as fake as Santa Claus. However, I was spiritually unhealthy. While religion isn't real, there is such a thing as spiritual. I believe that everything can be broken down into molecular form and there are no other worldly beings. However, I am aware that the main goal in life is to be happy. Religion is made for people to be happy and moral. I'm not really motivated to be moral, however. I guess in a way I'm spiritually unhealthy. I have a hard time giving sympathy if it means getting a lower grade.
One of the tracks off On Letting Go is called Kicking Your Crosses Down. It's a song about religion. There is a line that says, "nothing is worth it, unless you have a God". If you just read this line, the meaning is blatantly obvious. The meaning of the line is a little different in the context of the song though. When I was religious, this line spoke to me about why religion is so important. However, in my hypomanic state this summer, I was happy even without a religion. I was actually happier than I was without religion. During this state, I understood everything around me. I can't explain how happy I was. Currently, I'm in a dysthymic state. I'm isolating. I haven't been in school regularly all month. I'm unhappy with my weight. There's a lot of other stupid things going on that I can probably change, just like my weight. The biggest thing is that I just don't feel good. I'm tired all day. Part of it is my medication. I'm on 150mg of Seroquel XR. This is the second time I've taken this medicine. I was on it April 2010-June 2010 and started it this year in May. My hypomanic episode a month or so after starting Seroquel. It was definitely a factor. It may have even caused the whole thing. After being on it for awhile, I think it stops working. It's only approved for acute treatment. My guess is that after awhile, you are stable but have to bear with the side effects, extreme tiredness. When you physically take the medicine, the effects are very strong an hour later. You can't do anything. You're dizzy, tired, starving, and confused. It's a weird feeling. I think Seroquel is addictive. After coming off of it the first time, I missed the after-Seroquel buzz. I actually missed it for a whole year. Seroquel is a very good medicine. It hits most of my symptoms. The only probably with Seroquel is that it lowers motivation. I rarely go out socially since I know I won't enjoy myself. Unfortuantely, I don't even make an effort to enjoy myself. I've been in my room listening to music for a month. I've enjoyed it though. Overall though, I'm not that happy. I'm dysthymic. I've had several panic attacks, depression attacks, rages in the past month too but I haven't experienced anything long term.
I was never religious as a child either. My mother brought my sister and me to church on major holidays, but I never really believed in God. After 5th grade, I moved to a different town and become part of an Episcopalian church. This was my own choice. I went to a youth group every Friday. I loved listening to the youth pastor talk. He had a lot to say. There was also a music group. I played piano in the group. We played a variety of Christian songs. In 6th grade, youth group was the best time of my week. It was both fun and thought-provoking. By 8th grade, it was no longer fun. At this point, I had become a full-fledge Christian. I didn't even go out to stores on Sundays; I thought doing so would enable another person to work on the Sabbath Day. I was very depressed 8th grade. However, God made my life better. Although I was ignorant, I was happy. I wasn't as happy as I was this summer, though. When I entered my Major Depressive Episode in 9th grade, I believed in God passively. I knew he was there (even though he never existed) but religion didn't take over much of my thinking. In the beginning of 10th grade, this youth pastor left. Youth group soon became my place to go so I could get high but still have something to do. In 11th grade, I started to question religion. My best friend was an atheist, my favorite show, Family Guy, constantly bashed religion, and religion just didn't make perfect sense. I eventually came to a point where I realized that God was not real. I realized how stupid it was to "turn the other cheek and let God do the work". There is no God to do the work. It is so important that we as humans take care of problems, manage our own lives, and stop at nothing to make our own lives better.
"What God doesn't give to you, you've got to go and get for yourself"- Against Me!
There is only one life; we have no obligations so we might as well enjoy it. I have no problem being immoral; as long as I'm not hurting or harming someone. After becoming an atheist, I have cheated on tests and stolen things. However, whenever I do such a task now, I make sure it is safe and actually contributes to my happiness whether short term or long term. There is a difference between my atheism now and as a child. As a child, I was an atheist because God was something as fake as Santa Claus. However, I was spiritually unhealthy. While religion isn't real, there is such a thing as spiritual. I believe that everything can be broken down into molecular form and there are no other worldly beings. However, I am aware that the main goal in life is to be happy. Religion is made for people to be happy and moral. I'm not really motivated to be moral, however. I guess in a way I'm spiritually unhealthy. I have a hard time giving sympathy if it means getting a lower grade.
One of the tracks off On Letting Go is called Kicking Your Crosses Down. It's a song about religion. There is a line that says, "nothing is worth it, unless you have a God". If you just read this line, the meaning is blatantly obvious. The meaning of the line is a little different in the context of the song though. When I was religious, this line spoke to me about why religion is so important. However, in my hypomanic state this summer, I was happy even without a religion. I was actually happier than I was without religion. During this state, I understood everything around me. I can't explain how happy I was. Currently, I'm in a dysthymic state. I'm isolating. I haven't been in school regularly all month. I'm unhappy with my weight. There's a lot of other stupid things going on that I can probably change, just like my weight. The biggest thing is that I just don't feel good. I'm tired all day. Part of it is my medication. I'm on 150mg of Seroquel XR. This is the second time I've taken this medicine. I was on it April 2010-June 2010 and started it this year in May. My hypomanic episode a month or so after starting Seroquel. It was definitely a factor. It may have even caused the whole thing. After being on it for awhile, I think it stops working. It's only approved for acute treatment. My guess is that after awhile, you are stable but have to bear with the side effects, extreme tiredness. When you physically take the medicine, the effects are very strong an hour later. You can't do anything. You're dizzy, tired, starving, and confused. It's a weird feeling. I think Seroquel is addictive. After coming off of it the first time, I missed the after-Seroquel buzz. I actually missed it for a whole year. Seroquel is a very good medicine. It hits most of my symptoms. The only probably with Seroquel is that it lowers motivation. I rarely go out socially since I know I won't enjoy myself. Unfortuantely, I don't even make an effort to enjoy myself. I've been in my room listening to music for a month. I've enjoyed it though. Overall though, I'm not that happy. I'm dysthymic. I've had several panic attacks, depression attacks, rages in the past month too but I haven't experienced anything long term.
Sunday, November 20, 2011
First Post
I should be at a show right now. Last weekend, I went to two show both Saturday and Sunday.
I want a cigarette but I'm trying to quit (again). During my sophomore year of high school, I smoked all year. I had smoked cigarettes before; I enjoyed them greatly. After a while though, I kept craving them. This same year, I was over-medicated, irritable, confused, etc. I ended up getting hooked but I also ended up quitting. I never really quit though. I have at least 3 every week. Last weekend, I told myself, "I'm only going to smoke cigarettes after I go to a show". The less cigarettes I have, the more I will enjoy them.
It's similar to this diet I go on frequently, the Dukan Diet. I don't go on the actual diet. I just try to eat an equal ratio of protein to carbs. When I'm on the diet for a while, my mood is very good. I am very energetic, analytic, diligent, and happy. It's a hard diet to stay on though. The diet is a great way to lose weight. Unfortuantely, I'm not losing weight. My normal weight is 191. The reason I weigh 186 is because I eat less then I should be. So I never really lose weight, I just stay at the same weight, which is less than I should way. I usually go off the diet in 2-3 days. Things happen. It's hard to stay away from carbs. I was doing very well on the diet a month ago. Then there was a power outage, and I couldn't cook my own food. While I'm on the diet though, food tastes better. It's fresh and invigorating.
One of my motivations to stop smoking for good is to improve my breathing. If I can breathe better, I can excersize more. I used to go to the gym a lot and work on the stair-climber for an hour at a time. I stopped going since the stair-climber isn't the BEST cardio workout. Unfortunately, I don't do the BEST cardio workout in place of the stair-climber. That is a very bad thing. I stopped doing cardio for 2 months because I'm a perfectionist who doesn't do things due to the knowledge that he can do better. Unfortunately. I stop at this realization and don't actually do better.
I want a cigarette but I'm trying to quit (again). During my sophomore year of high school, I smoked all year. I had smoked cigarettes before; I enjoyed them greatly. After a while though, I kept craving them. This same year, I was over-medicated, irritable, confused, etc. I ended up getting hooked but I also ended up quitting. I never really quit though. I have at least 3 every week. Last weekend, I told myself, "I'm only going to smoke cigarettes after I go to a show". The less cigarettes I have, the more I will enjoy them.
It's similar to this diet I go on frequently, the Dukan Diet. I don't go on the actual diet. I just try to eat an equal ratio of protein to carbs. When I'm on the diet for a while, my mood is very good. I am very energetic, analytic, diligent, and happy. It's a hard diet to stay on though. The diet is a great way to lose weight. Unfortuantely, I'm not losing weight. My normal weight is 191. The reason I weigh 186 is because I eat less then I should be. So I never really lose weight, I just stay at the same weight, which is less than I should way. I usually go off the diet in 2-3 days. Things happen. It's hard to stay away from carbs. I was doing very well on the diet a month ago. Then there was a power outage, and I couldn't cook my own food. While I'm on the diet though, food tastes better. It's fresh and invigorating.
One of my motivations to stop smoking for good is to improve my breathing. If I can breathe better, I can excersize more. I used to go to the gym a lot and work on the stair-climber for an hour at a time. I stopped going since the stair-climber isn't the BEST cardio workout. Unfortunately, I don't do the BEST cardio workout in place of the stair-climber. That is a very bad thing. I stopped doing cardio for 2 months because I'm a perfectionist who doesn't do things due to the knowledge that he can do better. Unfortunately. I stop at this realization and don't actually do better.
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