Elitist Club

It's an incredible feeling to know that the music genre you love is run by humble individuals. The band members casually walk by you at shows, the main medium of hardcore music, other than the internet. You can say hi to the members and run the risk of embarrassing yourself, or you can keep to yourself. When you first get into hardcore, and go to a couple of shows, it starts to consume every aspect of your life. Maybe you're not one for lyrics and ideologies, but the genre still has a significant impact on your life. You're part of an elitist club now. Maybe you're an extrovert and these shows are just a fun social activity of your week, no different from any other night of your people-orientated week. But if you're an introvert who has dealt with constant rejection in your life, you feel as if you're finally part of a social group. You feel accepted in your new community.
When you go home after a show, you listen to the bands' albums and sit in your room in awe. You feel so blessed you've had so many flawless albums come into your life in such a short period of time. The next morning, your real life hits you square in the face. You try to tell your coworkers or classmates how perfect your night was, but they simply just don't understand. They aren't part of your elitist club; they really aren't worthy of your time. You've tried countless times to show them your music. But unfortunately, you can only show them about 20% of your music. The rest is too abrasive to even suggest.
Your "unworthy" friends ask you to hang out. Ideally, you'd want to hang out with the friends in your elitist club, but you haven't realized that you don't have any friends in your club. You had a few small conversations, but these people probably live an hour away. Heck, you don't even know where they live. You agree to hang out with your other friends. You wan't to sit in your room and listen to hardcore albums on repeat, but you decide that it probably isn't that great for your mental health. You go out with your friends while they'll play the radio. You now the radio shouldn't aggravate you this much but the annoying electronic beats are just really pissing you off. Your friends pass around a bowl and after a few grams you realize, "This isn't me. I don't enjoy this. I want better friends." In your alternate state of mind, you imagine yourself in a small cottage covered in grass. While sitting in this cottage, you are surrounded by the "scene". Everyone is sitting around a fire chanting whatever song they're chanting. Time doesn't exist in that moment. Everyone in the room is connected infinitely and is screaming in rejoice.
But this meditation doesn't really exist. Sure you're supporting an underground endeavor when your purchase concert tickets and band merchandise. Sure there's a lot of other people who feel the exact same way as you do, but they are spread across this very large planet. You won't ever meet a fraction of these people in your life.
These are usually the first two stages of your involvement in this scene. I'm not sure how many stages there are, because I've only made it to the third and fourth.
The third is the most tragic stage you'll go through. You finally to decide to drop all of your social anxieties and branch out. Starting conversation is a pretty easy strategy. You seek out the most extrovert person and start some small talk. Actually that's a lie. You go outside and wait for someone to bum a cigarette off you. It's not hard to find someone who needs a cigarette. Everyone at that show smokes. Maybe they aren't addicted like you, but they smoke socially at shows for sure. No one is "straight-edge" anymore. There isn't much awkward silence. You just talk about that last record that came out. How did it compare to the bands prior release? How much did the band progress? Did they sell out? What other bands do you think they drew influence from? When was the last time you saw that band? Dude, I was at the show too? What did you think of the opening band? etc. etc. Chances are you're both annoying the shit out of each other. But you keep talking because you're both desperate for friends. It's similar to those awkward encounters with other college freshman in your dorm. But this is totally different. You don't want to make shallow friends with this person bumming cigarettes off of you because you're afraid of being alone for your four years at college. You're scared of being "weeded" out of the hardcore scene. You're scared of being weeded out because you failed to make any lasting friendships and won't be able to go on a road trip when you're 40 years old listening to every hardcore album ever made. The scene will die at some point. It's legacy will live on for sure, but you won't have a connection to the next generation of bands. You can't go in a mosh pit with other 19 year olds when you're 40. It's so hard to find people that like this music and this re-entry section of the music venue is your only chance. You've worn a band t-shirt every day for two years and no one has ever said, "I like your shirt". This is your only chance.
After a few awkward encounters with the same person, you decide to tell yourself that they are your friend. You never hang out with them, but telling yourself that you've made a friend helps you sleep at night.
You get invited to a local show on facebook. You've heard of this small band with less than 1000 likes before, and you think they're a pretty solid band, but you haven't really gotten into them. It's a Tuesday night and you've got nothing else better to do, so you drag your friend along and pay 5 bucks. Suddenly the band starts and it hits you. Everyone else knows each other. You don't know the words and you're sticking out like a sore thumb. You aren't part of this club. You've been trying to be a part of something and you've just realized you've been wasting your energy. No one knows you. No one wants to know you.
So what are you gonna do? Get a real job, stop going to shows and be the hero that your father was. No not really. Just don't take music so seriously. Have some fun. Just take a look at what's beneath your feet and go ahead and part that sea between brightness and me because give suburbia your all until you're nothing. Don't try to hard to make friends. If you don't meet any just get in your car and blast your favorite records and scream them and make sure everyone on the road knows that you're a crazy psychopath.

Freshman Year (Part Two)

I might repeat stuff and leave stuff out from my last post but I don't really care about accuracy; I just want to write. My second semester was the hardest few months of my life. I still don't consider this era of my life over. I haven't been happy since August.
Here's the issue: I can't take a break. I'm 19 years old. The top priority of people my age is to make friends and have fun. As I'm writing this, I'm being reminded of one of my strengths.
Efficiency and Speed: Working in a restaurant for five years, you are forced to do everything as fast as possible without fucking up. This semester, I didn't spend much time on homework. When I did homework, I did it as quickly as possible without getting distracted. It's easy to focus on all five of your math classes when you love math. If I didn't understand something, I don't give up. I try to figure it out quickly. There were a few things I struggled with this semester but I decided to utilize my teachers' office hours.
Anyways, my success this semester would not have happened with this strength. I commuted back home every week and worked Friday, Saturday, and Sunday, 6:45-2:45. I pulled off a 3.188 GPA while working 24 hours a week and taking five math classes. I already have all the requirements for a math minor and I'm halfway done with my math credits. I have a $7,000 car that's completely paid off, $4,000 in savings, and I pay for all my own shit. I only make $2.63 but I haven't even cashed a paycheck since September. I don't even know how much I have in checks, probably $1000; my employer doesn't deduct taxes for some reason. I've also paid $3,000 dollars out of pocket for college and right now, I'm only $5,500 in debt with student loans. I also lost $3,500 on an old car I had. I work my ass off and I deserve every twenty dollar bill I fucking have. I spend a lot of money and just signed up for a credit card. I have a $700 credit card that I'll probably max out by next week. My credit score is going to be through the roof next year and my credit limit will skyrocket.
So right now, I'm working four days a week, and studying for the next actuarial exam: MFE/3F. I don't actually want to work four days a week though. I'm getting tired of being a server. I also need more time to study and enjoy myself. I think about quitting everyday. I can't take that place seriously anymore. My boss is crazy, I'm sick of dumb customers, I don't always get along with my co-workers, and I can't stand the fucking radio.
My music taste has changed a bit since high school. I always liked hardcore, but now I can't even listen to mellower stuff, except Balance and Composure, The Menzingers, and Turnover. All I listen to is Counterparts, Pianos Become The Teeth, and Defeater. It's pretty depressing music and it's great to listen to when you're depressed. I don't think I'm actually depressed though; my anxiety has just never been this bad before.
It's safe to say that this is the first year of my life I've had legitimate panic attacks. I've always had some sort of agoraphobia and general anxiety, but nothing this bad. This is also the first year I've had a "normal life". I don't have the time for any personal projects, movies or video games, which are actually some hobbies of mine. My entire week is consumed by either work or academics. Nothing wrong with that, but it's definitely stressful. I wonder if my panic attacks are brought on by over thinking. I think a lot to begin with.
Every time I drive my car, my check engine light is just seconds away from coming on. On the highway, I'm going to swerve because my car shakes in the wind and I need new steering links. Every day I'm worried about getting a panic attack.

Freshman Year (Part One)

I just finished my freshman year. It was quite a shitty experience honestly. The only good things that happened were completely unrelated to the school. Before I left for college I had a pretty clear expectation of how it would play out. I imagined myself skipping class a lot but doing well in my classes. I knew I wouldn't have a major change in my life. I knew that I was going to come home every weekend to work. Despite all of these expectations, I was prepared to be pleasantly surprised. I was wrong. College has taken up all of my thoughts and I'm ready to be done with it. That is why I'm trying to graduate early. I ended up moving into a dorm right next to this annoying cunt named Charlotte. She kept me up every night talking pretty loudly. I couldn't figure out any benefits to being present there. My schedule was somewhat lame. I had five classes. Multivariable Calculus was pretty easy. I was really good at calculus. Probability was hard. My biology elective, Insects and Human Society was a huge waste of my time and my money. It was an easy A, but I still got a C+. I put absolutely no effort in that class. College Writing wasn't bad. I didn't learn how to write. I just listened to my teacher talk about the Daily Show or something like that. My Java course was 100% online so I obviously went to class never.
I had a rough time in my mind. I couldn't understand why I was paying so much money to learn useless knowledge, especially since I was capable of teaching myself everything. I actually was teaching myself everything. I was hated the dorm I was paying 2k a semester for. It was so loud and I could never sleep. Then I realized I was living alone and could basically smoke pot whenever I wanted to. I also decreased my Seroquel from 100mg to 50mg. A doctor out there suggested that I lower my Seroquel and take Xanax as needed. Things were going okay. I got a new car in October. It's a 1999 Toyota Camry and it doesn't break down randomly like the old Subaru. Despite this, my anxiety is worse so I'm more scared to drive.
Like I said, things were okay until one night, December 9th. I had a few hits of weed and watched mean girls. I went downstairs to go to sleep and couldn't get comfortable in my bed. I was getting very nervous and realized I was just having a bad high. I had them before and knew I could get through it. I had that prescription of Xanax and decided to take one. I felt as if I had to go to bathroom. Nothing came out. I stood up and my hands were shaking, and then my heart fell into my stomach. Something wasn't right. I entered my mom's room and told her I couldn't stop shaking. She got up to get the telephone and I laid down in her bed. I began to shake uncontrollably. I clenched my teeth into the blanket fearing my chattering teeth would pierce into each other. She called for the ambulance.
I felt like a lunatic in the ER. I couldn't stop screaming or shaking. I was desperate for something to calm me down. They gave me Valium and I came back to reality. I cried for awhile and then fell back asleep. I managed to get through finals the next week, and study for exam P all of winter break.
I'm a math major, with a concentration in actuarial science. To work as an actuary, you have pass a series of off-campus exams. I was having a rough time over winter break and didn't really want to leave my house. I thought my ER fiasco was related to the Seroquel so I came off. I got really anxious and agoraphobic. Fortunately, this worked to my advantage. I studied very hard for P and passed on January 16th. I passed the first actuarial exam at age 18. When I passed, I wasn't really proud of myself, just relieved. It wasn't long before school started again. I signed up for Linear Algebra, Differential Equations, Fundamental Concepts of Math, Math of Finance, and Statistics II.

Nobody wants to go down

I'm feeling like I'm about to go down again. This summer hasn't been all that perfect. My mom is still very sick and doesn't seem to be getting better. My car broke down in April which makes me scared to drive. I'm starting to get tired of my job. Waiting on tables gets old after awhile. I hate the side effects of my medication. I'm just starting to realize how alone I've been all of high school. In middle school, I always wanted to have a group of friends. That never happened. I maintained two amazing relationships and a couple other ones that were very good but I have trouble realizing how good they are. I'm not sure if it's strange that I went to two shows all by myself.

Since the middle of April, I've been working four days a week, Tuesday, Thursday, Saturday and Sunday. When the summer started, my days changed to Thursday and Friday. What a coincidence that I signed up for UMass's orientation on a Thursday and Friday. I also had this Sunday off for some reason. When I don't have work, any shows to go to, or anything major to do, I spend my life in my room having Introverted fun. I research, play piano, discover new music, think about my life, etc. I "recharge". It's actually a waste of time. I prefer having stuff to do with a couple minutes each day to recharge. As much as I love money, this time is nice. I was getting tired of my job. Each day starts at 6:45 AM and ends around 2:30- 3 PM. I love the people I work with but I hate the music playing in the background. The radio plays in the dining room and the BeeGees play in the kitchen. The BeeGees are always playing in the kitchen and have been for about three years. On some Sundays we listen to Michael Jackson. I actually like Michael Jackson. I don't mind the BeeGees but it gets very annoying after awhile. I was getting very tired of that and also very tired of talking to customers. At first, this break of work was annoying me but I'm starting to like it. I'm realizing that talking to these people I can't stand are paying me. I want to work every weekend while I'm in school but it'll be a 2 hour commute. I'm also eligible for a work-study but my job pays more.

My lovely extended family

When my sister graduated three years ago, my uncle came to her graduation with my great aunt. They didn't even go to the gym where it was, they watched through the stream in the auditorium. They didn't even stay to see Ashley. My aunt and uncle stopped talking to us for no reason. One day, while I was taking Effexor, I called my uncle and screamed at him. I asked him why he left us. He didn't really say much and was dismissive. He called my mom right after saying he was "disturbed". I called the next day and screamed again. Although I was screaming and crying, I wasn't really insulting him. I was just trying to ask a question. It's hard for me to confrontational without being emotional. This second phone call, he started to get really rude. He even admitted to breaking off communication. He said I wasn't responsive to his reaching out to me, which is true. It was hard to me to connect with him. I'm scared of adult men. My mom's boyfriend hit me a few times.
One of my worst memories was when we lived with him. He asked my sister and I if we wanted to go to the beach. We both said no. Afterwards my sister screamed at me. She said "why aren't you going with him? Why are you just going to stay home?" So we went in the car when he was still in the house. He gets into the car and screams at me. "Why did you lie to me you little pussy? Don't you dare fucking lie to me." I had done nothing wrong. I was just trying to please him and my sister, yet I got screamed at me. Then he apologized saying, "I'm sorry, I know you're sensitive and I should be more careful." He was wrong though. Although I was sensitive, that wasn't the issue. It was the fact that both him and my sister had asked me to do something and I got "in trouble" even though I did nothing wrong.
After my uncle said this, he started to insult me. He said I was "deranged" just like my father. My father who left me and helped turned my family's life to shit. At this point, I was in a rage. I screamed "FUCK YOU" into the phone and threw it on the floor. My uncle is a fat piece of shit and I think nothing of him. I hate his guts. He did nothing to help my mother. He is a horrible parent that screams at his children every day. I would love to go to his house right now and demand my bank account that he has with me, even though it isn't his money. It was his mother's money. I know it isn't mine either, but I fucking deserve it.
After this phone call, my great aunt wrote a horrible letter to my mother blaming her for everything. She said we gave them the "kiss of death". What a fucking moron, what 79 year old talks like that. I called her on the phone and she basically blamed my mom for everything that happened. It's funny because my uncle admitted to breaking off communication, since I wasn't responsive to him. They are both assholes. How dare my great aunt talk to my mother like that. She also said she had been there for us. Bullshit. That cunt was never there for us. One day, my mother was extremely sick and she couldn't care less. Those fat pieces of shit can live their lives out miserably. How dare anyone treat a sick woman like that. How dare they cut off communication when we need help and then expect us to talk to them afterwards. They said communication needed to get better both ways. Fuck that. Admit what you do wrong don't be a little bitch and blame someone else. Well not little there are morbidly obese and have self-induced diabetes.
This is one reason being thin is a such a huge priority for me.

Music Taste Over The Years

The majority of my first memories are memories of music. My mother played this song called Return to Innocence by this band called Enigma. It has this repeating chant which sounds kind of silly but at the time, the voice just really struck me. It was probably because it was the first song I had ever heard. Growing up, I was exposed to some of my mother's music including: Bruce Springsteen, The Rolling Stones, Sheryl Crow, and Tom Petty.

When I was in 4th grade, my sister was in 7th grade. She got a lot of bands on Drive-Thru Records, such as Thursday, Senses Fail, The Movielife, New Found Glory, etc. I thought it was cool that all of these bands weren't as popular. She also liked Brand New and Taking Back Sunday. At this point in 4th grade I wasn't listening to the music on my own. Sometime between 4th and 5th grade, I went to a friends house for a sleepover. At sleepovers, I would always have a hard time falling asleep. At one particular sleepover, I brought a CD player and one of my sister's CDs, the compilation CD for Warped Tour 2003. The night after everyone went to sleep, I put it on. I don't remember if it was like a huge epiphany, or if my interest in music happened slowly. At this same time, I also played the Tony Hawk Underground videogames. The soundtrack from the games had some decent punk music. Since this was 2004-2005, and we had dial-up internet, downloading music wasn't impossible but not exactly convenient. I downloaded music on this program called WinMX. My sister and I would start downloading about 40 songs at night. We would leave the computer on all night and check the next morning to see which songs had finished downloading. Sometimes the internet would lose connection during the night and no songs would finish. With WinMX, you could only download song by song. You couldn't download a full album with one click. I would burn my downloaded music to CDs and listen to them on a walkman. Some of the bands included Thrice, and I actually can't think of the other bands. I didn't get heavily into one band During September 2005, WinMx shut down so I switched to Limewire.
As I used Limewire for the next four years, the internet was becoming faster and more reliable. My library got bigger and bigger. However, it was far from organized. I didn't have many full albums. For these four years, my taste was improving a bit, but not much. The first music I got into in my WinMX phase wasn't bad, but I didn't listen to enough music to have any "taste". This wasn't even the "first music" for me. I started to listen to pop punk. Horrible pop punk like Boys Like Girls, Cute Is What We Aim For and all of that bullshit. Like most "scene" kids, (I didn't actually dress scene) I got into metalcore/ screamo after awhile. Stuff like Silverstein, The Devil Wears Prada, August Burns Red, A Skylit Drive. I was in middle school at the time. The only good band I liked was Brand New, but I didn't even listen to The Devil and God, just Your Favorite Weapon and Deja Entendu. In 9th grade, I became friends with older people, giving me access to shows. One band that I've seen frequently throughout high school is Vanna, also one of my favorite bands. I also started using Mediafire, which let me get full albums. There was one group of bands I was getting into. It wasn't a solid group, but it was in my mind. It included Dance Gavin Dance, Emarosa, Tides of Man, Closure in Moscow, Lower Definition, etc. In 10th/11th grade I mellowed out a little bit and started listening to stuff like Modest Mouse, Fleet Foxes. I also It hurt to listen to the music I used to, since things were changing. There was a period were I listened to Radiohead and Nirvana; I wanted to feel normal for some reason.
My music taste this year is great for many reasons. The music I listen to is part of a new group of bands emerging. Also, it is the first "scene" that I have felt a part of. I go to almost all of the shows that come to my area. It is inspired me to be in a band myself. It's almost hard to listen to any music that is not a part of this group. This "group" includes La Dispute, Touche Amore, Defeater, Balance and Composure, The Wonder Years, etc. I am so grateful that they tour frequently at come to Massachusetts.