Since the middle of April, I've been working four days a week, Tuesday, Thursday, Saturday and Sunday. When the summer started, my days changed to Thursday and Friday. What a coincidence that I signed up for UMass's orientation on a Thursday and Friday. I also had this Sunday off for some reason. When I don't have work, any shows to go to, or anything major to do, I spend my life in my room having Introverted fun. I research, play piano, discover new music, think about my life, etc. I "recharge". It's actually a waste of time. I prefer having stuff to do with a couple minutes each day to recharge. As much as I love money, this time is nice. I was getting tired of my job. Each day starts at 6:45 AM and ends around 2:30- 3 PM. I love the people I work with but I hate the music playing in the background. The radio plays in the dining room and the BeeGees play in the kitchen. The BeeGees are always playing in the kitchen and have been for about three years. On some Sundays we listen to Michael Jackson. I actually like Michael Jackson. I don't mind the BeeGees but it gets very annoying after awhile. I was getting very tired of that and also very tired of talking to customers. At first, this break of work was annoying me but I'm starting to like it. I'm realizing that talking to these people I can't stand are paying me. I want to work every weekend while I'm in school but it'll be a 2 hour commute. I'm also eligible for a work-study but my job pays more.

My lovely extended family

When my sister graduated three years ago, my uncle came to her graduation with my great aunt. They didn't even go to the gym where it was, they watched through the stream in the auditorium. They didn't even stay to see Ashley. My aunt and uncle stopped talking to us for no reason. One day, while I was taking Effexor, I called my uncle and screamed at him. I asked him why he left us. He didn't really say much and was dismissive. He called my mom right after saying he was "disturbed". I called the next day and screamed again. Although I was screaming and crying, I wasn't really insulting him. I was just trying to ask a question. It's hard for me to confrontational without being emotional. This second phone call, he started to get really rude. He even admitted to breaking off communication. He said I wasn't responsive to his reaching out to me, which is true. It was hard to me to connect with him. I'm scared of adult men. My mom's boyfriend hit me a few times.
One of my worst memories was when we lived with him. He asked my sister and I if we wanted to go to the beach. We both said no. Afterwards my sister screamed at me. She said "why aren't you going with him? Why are you just going to stay home?" So we went in the car when he was still in the house. He gets into the car and screams at me. "Why did you lie to me you little pussy? Don't you dare fucking lie to me." I had done nothing wrong. I was just trying to please him and my sister, yet I got screamed at me. Then he apologized saying, "I'm sorry, I know you're sensitive and I should be more careful." He was wrong though. Although I was sensitive, that wasn't the issue. It was the fact that both him and my sister had asked me to do something and I got "in trouble" even though I did nothing wrong.
After my uncle said this, he started to insult me. He said I was "deranged" just like my father. My father who left me and helped turned my family's life to shit. At this point, I was in a rage. I screamed "FUCK YOU" into the phone and threw it on the floor. My uncle is a fat piece of shit and I think nothing of him. I hate his guts. He did nothing to help my mother. He is a horrible parent that screams at his children every day. I would love to go to his house right now and demand my bank account that he has with me, even though it isn't his money. It was his mother's money. I know it isn't mine either, but I fucking deserve it.
After this phone call, my great aunt wrote a horrible letter to my mother blaming her for everything. She said we gave them the "kiss of death". What a fucking moron, what 79 year old talks like that. I called her on the phone and she basically blamed my mom for everything that happened. It's funny because my uncle admitted to breaking off communication, since I wasn't responsive to him. They are both assholes. How dare my great aunt talk to my mother like that. She also said she had been there for us. Bullshit. That cunt was never there for us. One day, my mother was extremely sick and she couldn't care less. Those fat pieces of shit can live their lives out miserably. How dare anyone treat a sick woman like that. How dare they cut off communication when we need help and then expect us to talk to them afterwards. They said communication needed to get better both ways. Fuck that. Admit what you do wrong don't be a little bitch and blame someone else. Well not little there are morbidly obese and have self-induced diabetes.
This is one reason being thin is a such a huge priority for me.

Music Taste Over The Years

The majority of my first memories are memories of music. My mother played this song called Return to Innocence by this band called Enigma. It has this repeating chant which sounds kind of silly but at the time, the voice just really struck me. It was probably because it was the first song I had ever heard. Growing up, I was exposed to some of my mother's music including: Bruce Springsteen, The Rolling Stones, Sheryl Crow, and Tom Petty.

When I was in 4th grade, my sister was in 7th grade. She got a lot of bands on Drive-Thru Records, such as Thursday, Senses Fail, The Movielife, New Found Glory, etc. I thought it was cool that all of these bands weren't as popular. She also liked Brand New and Taking Back Sunday. At this point in 4th grade I wasn't listening to the music on my own. Sometime between 4th and 5th grade, I went to a friends house for a sleepover. At sleepovers, I would always have a hard time falling asleep. At one particular sleepover, I brought a CD player and one of my sister's CDs, the compilation CD for Warped Tour 2003. The night after everyone went to sleep, I put it on. I don't remember if it was like a huge epiphany, or if my interest in music happened slowly. At this same time, I also played the Tony Hawk Underground videogames. The soundtrack from the games had some decent punk music. Since this was 2004-2005, and we had dial-up internet, downloading music wasn't impossible but not exactly convenient. I downloaded music on this program called WinMX. My sister and I would start downloading about 40 songs at night. We would leave the computer on all night and check the next morning to see which songs had finished downloading. Sometimes the internet would lose connection during the night and no songs would finish. With WinMX, you could only download song by song. You couldn't download a full album with one click. I would burn my downloaded music to CDs and listen to them on a walkman. Some of the bands included Thrice, and I actually can't think of the other bands. I didn't get heavily into one band During September 2005, WinMx shut down so I switched to Limewire.
As I used Limewire for the next four years, the internet was becoming faster and more reliable. My library got bigger and bigger. However, it was far from organized. I didn't have many full albums. For these four years, my taste was improving a bit, but not much. The first music I got into in my WinMX phase wasn't bad, but I didn't listen to enough music to have any "taste". This wasn't even the "first music" for me. I started to listen to pop punk. Horrible pop punk like Boys Like Girls, Cute Is What We Aim For and all of that bullshit. Like most "scene" kids, (I didn't actually dress scene) I got into metalcore/ screamo after awhile. Stuff like Silverstein, The Devil Wears Prada, August Burns Red, A Skylit Drive. I was in middle school at the time. The only good band I liked was Brand New, but I didn't even listen to The Devil and God, just Your Favorite Weapon and Deja Entendu. In 9th grade, I became friends with older people, giving me access to shows. One band that I've seen frequently throughout high school is Vanna, also one of my favorite bands. I also started using Mediafire, which let me get full albums. There was one group of bands I was getting into. It wasn't a solid group, but it was in my mind. It included Dance Gavin Dance, Emarosa, Tides of Man, Closure in Moscow, Lower Definition, etc. In 10th/11th grade I mellowed out a little bit and started listening to stuff like Modest Mouse, Fleet Foxes. I also It hurt to listen to the music I used to, since things were changing. There was a period were I listened to Radiohead and Nirvana; I wanted to feel normal for some reason.
My music taste this year is great for many reasons. The music I listen to is part of a new group of bands emerging. Also, it is the first "scene" that I have felt a part of. I go to almost all of the shows that come to my area. It is inspired me to be in a band myself. It's almost hard to listen to any music that is not a part of this group. This "group" includes La Dispute, Touche Amore, Defeater, Balance and Composure, The Wonder Years, etc. I am so grateful that they tour frequently at come to Massachusetts.

Graduation

Graduation was today. I didn't want to walk because I was never really in school. The past months I've been at Britney's. The people I feel closest too are the people that I see at all the shows that I go to but don't actually know. It'd be nice to know all of them. For some reason today, I'm extremely anxious. I think I'm upset at how horribly everything went. Looking back on these four years, all I can think of was my depression and anxiety. However, I've had so much improvement. I've gotten smarter, skinnier, happier, and more aware of things, particularly the fact that I have Asperger's. All of my improvements would not be possible without skipping school.
I just wonder what people are going to think when they see I didn't walk. Some of them completely forgot about me and will think nothing of it. Some will probably think I didn't graduate. In my head, I graduated after my last AP exam. I want to go back to visit my study teacher so I play Bruce Springsteen for her on the piano, but I don't feel that I can do it.
I'm pretty anxious at the moment. This morning, I was extremely irritable. My family and I had lunch but I  got so depressed during it, I started crying. Now I'm anxious but not sure if I can take a Neurontin, now that I'm on Lyrica.